Friday, December 29, 2000
Photographs - I have many. I remember my life thru them. When I die, unless I have children, no one will really appreciate them. This makes me sad. This makes me think I need to clean out a lot of the stuff I've accumulated. If anyone wants to give me presents, please make it wool. 100% soft wool. One skein will do.
1:12 PM
Thursday, December 28, 2000
Rented Minus Man. Was pretty good. Found out the reason fishermen and sailors didn't know how to swim in the old days. Do you know it? It's so they would die more quickly if they were drowning. Isn't that sad and smart and this kind of wisdom - it feels like Life. We've lost a lot of knowledge which our ancestors had.
2:35 PM
Wednesday, December 27, 2000
The yellow portrait is by Jae. I sat for him in college. It still fits. I still love it. I admit, I have a weakness for having a genius paint me. It is exhausting to sit for him. And I feel odd for a couple of days afterwards. But the rush of seeing the result is excruciatingly satisfying. I know the canvas is meaningless. I know all Things are meaningless. But Art can be closely linked to Beauty, which to me transcends the ordinary. It took me many years to escape the desire to achieve fame thru Jae's work. Now I don't care about being recognized as one of his models. I still intend to sit for him, but my identity is my own work in progress. My Ego is what I am dancing with.
2:55 PM
Astrology is a science. You need to know the time, place, and day you were born. I do have some reservations, some desire to fight the idea that everything is written in the stars. One astrologer told me it's like driving a car at night. Astrology can act as the headlights. It's still up to you to steer.
9:48 AM
Tuesday, December 26, 2000
23 Fahrenheit: -5 Celsius temperature with a wind chill of 0 Fahrenheit: -17 Celsius. If I was still in school I'd think of some project to show how cold I am. Thoughts freezing before they come out of your mouth. Although I'd rather be cold than hot. I have to start reading again. Too much TV. And isn't it odd how in this past year, I haven't received ANY handwritten letters? (Cards don't count.) Well, time to wrap some presents. As usual I'm late sending them out. Separate thought: I miss laughing. Some of my friends can make me laugh. Laugh without having to think about it. Mom too, if she isn't sad. I find laughter fascinating. I despise the forced laughter. Making sound and turning mouth up. Hoping no one can tell the difference.
12:12 PM
Monday, December 25, 2000
The photo on the left summarizes how my Christmas holiday has been. I took that photo in Paris 3 years ago. I had no idea I would use it in this way. It's a gravestone for a man named Pierre Gareau. He died in 1815. I need to start yoga and meditation in 2001. It's the only way I know how to numb myself against unhappiness. Too bad my last teacher was a freak. Not like Chow Yun Fat would have been.
7:20 PM
Friday, December 22, 2000
I don't remember believing in Santa Claus. I may have been mildly scared of him. I never believed in the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy. But give me Rhett Buttler, give me Prince Charming. They were with me for many many years. Maybe this is why Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon has stuck with me. It reminds me of the fairy tales I read as a young child. My mom was humming a few days ago and I got sleepy. She laughed about how impressionable babies are. It wasn't funny laughter, it bordered on panic. Walking to work I had snowflakes land on my face. I love this feeling. I associate it with being young. Maybe snowflakes are the ghosts of another dimension. Maybe we're the snowflakes of some bizarre "world". Santa. Santa is advertising. Santa teaches kids they need to be "good" or else they can't get treats. Presents under the tree. I love Christmas trees. I'll miss having one this year.
12:22 PM
Thursday, December 21, 2000
I have officially given up on looking for signs. I find them or see them everywhere except I don't know what to do with them. Spent time with a friend this week. She's so vibrant I miss her. I don't know whether I'm lazy by nature, or maybe I'm in the wrong place. I wish I could find a group of people who wanted to think together. To critique our work, to play and grow. Is this as unrealistic as wanting love at first thru billionth sight? Anyhow, I found the "DOG" card on the street. Adam is a dog. So is Toby. I feel it should mean something but it most likely doesn't. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It's still with me.
1:10 PM
Wednesday, December 20, 2000
Saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It is very sad. I wasn't prepared for the sadness. I know nothing. I am nothing? I don't feel free, though I don't have any kids to take care of. I'm falling out of like with NYC. Sigh.
8:24 AM
Tuesday, December 19, 2000
To all the other Melaniaís out there, especially one new friend, these are some interpretations of our name. The information comes from a book called "The Hidden Truth of Your Name", published in 1999 as part of the Nomenology Project. Ok, so, the Kabbalistic Synopsis states: Melaniaís name reduces to eleven, the number of magic and the supernatural. It is actually quite likely that Melania will have some natural, although latent, psychic ability. If Melaniaís aware of this, she will investigate it thoroughly and welcome it as a gift. A career in alternative therapy would be ideal for Melania. She is something of a dreamer, and probably would not last long in the cutthroat world of business. Besides, Melania also has too much of an independent Aquarian spirit to be tied down by a regular routine. Melania will attract many admirers, but she is not easily won over. As a real romantic, Melania must be properly wooed and flattered before she will consider looking at anyone seriously.
The Runic Interpretations: Melania loves change, and the Laguz rune of flow assists Melania in maintaining an open and flexible point of view. The combination of Ehwaz and Isa give her balance. Melania can be strong because she is intuitive and has a good sense of her own identity due to the Ansuz rune of signals and the Mannaz rune of self. Travel increases Melaniaís confidence and makes her enthusiastic about further adventures.
The Numerological Interpretation: Life is filled with many variations and possibilities, and Melania likes to explore as many of them as time permits. This is a well-rounded woman with many insightful thoughts that she is eager to share with others. She is a virtual walking encyclopedia with an abundant supply of facts and figures at her fingertips. Melania is very sociable, well liked, and attractive. She is clever, witty, and given to practical jokes. Her playful nature makes her fun to be around, and she usually has a number of friends and associates that want to be in her company.
12:06 AM
Monday, December 18, 2000
Caught the Damien Hirst show before it closed. It was terrible. He is a thief. I felt insulted to be there. It was all well executed but overall sad. Sad to see people in awe of the crap he arranged, for example, 6 garbage bags with air freshners scattered on top, behind glass compartments, mind you. At least Warhol was original in his shamelessness. He said a soup can is art and it became art. Hirst is a second-hand thief. Good grief.
2:28 PM
Friday, December 15, 2000
I have to stop reading other people's "blogs". At least for a while. Except SpiralGirl . She will remain an active link. She writes with love and life. She sounds open minded yet still has strong opinions. These are the types of people I need to surround myself with. Andie has this quality as well. Too bad they're both in California. Is there something about the West Coast that invites you to interact with life, rather than fight it?
4:48 PM
Thursday, December 14, 2000
There's no excuse now.
12:23 PM
Wednesday, December 13, 2000
Today I'm wearing a ring I found in a Subway station. It was on the ground and there was no one around. It had a little bit of white tape around it, as if it had been too big for it's owner. I imagined a tiny old lady losing it while removing a glove. It was autumn though. I took the ring. Did not trust the ticket counter or any possible Lost & Found office. New York is a strange town for trust. There's a faded inscription inside. I think I can make out "M.H. Feb. 22". There is one deep pink stone in the center with two diamonds (?) surrounding it. Was I a terrible person for taking it? I hope not. And I also hope it's not some bizarre bringer of strange luck. I may have an over-developed sense of guilt. Bought a wonderful book yesterday, about one's Destiny. It's based on astrology. I wonder whether living in NYC is my way of prolonging my propensity for suffering. It hurts to think. Were any philosophers happy, sunny people?
3:12 PM
Tuesday, December 12, 2000
"A Christmas Story" (1983) is one of the funniest movies I've seen over and over and over again. Ralphie is priceless. The actors are perfectly cast. The script is wonderful. Sad but funny. I also saw "Nosferatu the Vampyre" (1979) this weekend. It's the best vampire movie, EVER. Klaus Kinski, Isabelle Adjani, Bruno Ganz, are mesmerizing. It's a sad, sad film. The music, the silence, is woven with pure beauty and terror. Sadness. Life. Sadness. It was hard to see it all. I've been blue and this film does not perk you up. And I can't forget it. It's one of the most human and true to life movies I've seen.
11:07 AM
Monday, December 11, 2000
I'm all for using Science to free or condemn possible criminals. 60 Minutes featured Brain Fingerprinting which sounds legitimate: "Dr. Lawrence A. Farwell has invented, developed, proven, and patented the technique of Farwell Brain Fingerprinting, a new computer-based technology to identify the perpetrator of a crime accurately and scientifically by measuring brain-wave responses to crime-relevant words or pictures presented on a computer screen. Farwell Brain Fingerprinting has proven 100% accurate in over 120 tests, including tests on FBI agents, tests for a US intelligence agency and for the US Navy, and tests on real-life situations including actual crimes."
I do wonder, can people with split personalities be included in the tests. Also, if a person has seen the images of victims on TV, heard of the case, and they are tested, couldn't they appear guilty?
1:25 PM
Sunday, December 10, 2000
I don't like moving. Packing. Wondering where all the stuff comes from and where all the garbage is going. Screw Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. What about the old t-shirts, washed out CDs and useless little gifts? Where do they go and what happens when they get there? Should someone be panicking about the trash we all produce? Ahhh... and then I listen to Kate Bush and calm down. I don't expect ants to be disturbed. Why shouldn't I enjoy every day?
1:45 PM
Friday, December 08, 2000
PLUS it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to find full fat products. I don't like Low Fat Food. No Fat Food is unnatural. Thanks to genetic engineering, everything may become dangerous and unhealthy.
12:07 PM
Last night I was reminded how ridiculous things have become. Say you want to hire person Z. You know Z worked at company A. It's against the law to call company A and inquire about person Z, if person Z did not include company A on their resume. I understand how company A may lie and say Z was terrible, just to get back at Z for whatever reason, BUT if Z is a lunatic, how will that knowledge be available to warn people? Which leads into the tissue of keeping the identity of convicted sex offenders private/public. In a way, I think it's very odd that there even is a debate.
11:41 AM
Thursday, December 07, 2000
I do think our perception of BEAUTY is influenced by Hollywood and the media in general. The music I listen to on a daily basis makes a huge difference in my mood as well. In highschool a friend gave me a Pink Floyd The Wall poster which I taped infront of my bed until I started having nightmares filled with angry worm-like creatures. Maybe I'm easily impressionable but I've found myself humming Britney Spears. I mentioned this before because I find her the image of mediocrity as far as her vocal talents go. Yet she's a pop sensation. But back to Beauty. I would Love to see an issue of Vogue for example, before it was touched up.
12:36 PM
Life is a bit of a whore.
12:40 AM
Wednesday, December 06, 2000
According to my Tarot cards, Gore is going to be the next president. I like to test the cards as often as I can. They haven't lied to me very much, which is strange. Thanks to Chris, I have found Juan RamÛn JimÈnez all over again. Except now I'm old enough to appreciate him. He writes: "I am so abstracted in the eternal that spiders have woven cobwebs between my feet."
3:06 PM
Tuesday, December 05, 2000
Here's a site that guesses which evil dictator or sit-com character you're pretending to be. I was the 22nd person to use Ceausescu.
1:18 PM
Eddie Izzard is brilliant. What a craftsman. Mom and I laughed during and after his show. His Scooby Doo material... Scooby Doo and Shaggy are the great American characters - pure cowards who live in cowardice and sandwiches. He had real material that tapped into history, religion, science, language, and it was all interwoven intelligently. What a treat.
12:20 PM
Monday, December 04, 2000
I bought a medium coffee on the way to work. The paper cup is bright yellow with black type. I think it's a CBS or ABC commercial. I read: "Are you sure those are raisins in your corn flakes?" Hmmmm... doesn't sound like a TV show. I look up and see a tab graphic with the label "Pest Control". Turn the cup around and it's an ad for the Yellow Pages. I almost threw up. I hate roaches and the thought of having them in any breakfast food turns my already upset morning stomach. Now I'm imagining roaches swimming under the plastic lid. I hate the Yellow Pages. Advertising is EVIL.
11:57 AM
Sunday, December 03, 2000
SciFi's re-make of Dune was unwatchable. It flowed like a porn flick. They should have donated the money it took to make it to some cause. The good thing about being down is that eventually I get back up. But I would love to make everything go away and wake up twenty years ago.
11:12 PM
Friday, December 01, 2000
Today is World AIDS Day. So far 36.1 million people are living with HIV. 21.8 million have died since the epidemic began. Because of drugs which prolong and improve the life of infected people, it seems as if the disease is under control. It's not. According to CNN, the virus is spreading across the world: Asia, India, Russia. "This year's U.N. campaign, called "Men Make a Difference," is aimed at sending a message to men and adolescent boys that multiple sexual partners, sex without a condom and lack of health care are recipes for disaster. Often male infection leads to a deadly encounter for women, who are more susceptible biologically to HIV..." When I was younger I didn't understand people who said that safe sex is no sex. As I've matured and read more about STDs, I agree: no sex is safe sex.
2:10 PM
