Tuesday, October 31, 2000
I just found on the day I was born, the number one song in the US was "Go Away Little Girl" and in the UK, "I'm Still Waiting". It's funny and sad. For Halloween I am a little old lady afraid of catching cold, working with Flash and drinking lots of hot tea.
5:59 PM

Monday, October 30, 2000
Dairy. I'm calling this my Daily Dairy. I try to milk a few thoughts each day. Feeling somewhat strange about keeping an online journal. Narcissistic. Bad speller? Too self-involved, or is it getting in touch with myself? Everything I do has an audience in mind. Even sneezing in public. The sound is a little studied. Tying my shoe is purely functional. But nothing else is.
4:33 PM

Sunday, October 29, 2000
Just saw a Biography on Gerard Depardieu. He is wonderful. There are no american actors who can stand on the same stage with him. Kevin Spacey is close. Gerard has hands like my dads. Huge. They can take away pain and fear. There is a warmth that needs no words. And in this spirit, I will stop typing.
2:34 PM

Saturday, October 28, 2000
I'm in a craft craze. Just bought some materials to learn how to make a baby quilt. This will bring me joy. There aren't enough hours for all the things a person can do. All the books to read, all the CDs to listen to, the museums to visit, the projects to make. Luckily I have a relatively short love affair with my undertakings. After a year or so I get bored and move on. Should I blame this on my Gemini Moon, or is it the Libra Ascendant? I guess my Virgo Sun isn't all that bad. If I could, I'd choose to be a Leo. Well, back to Flash 5. Where is the "Magic" button when you need it?
1:46 PM

Friday, October 27, 2000
I still have trouble being completely honest. My parents have been the only people I could be rude to and not worry about. They love me no matter what. Friends are a different matter. I do get bored and annoyed easily. Yet I'm also very patient and understanding, from what I've been told. Maybe I'm overcompensating? Me, me, me, me, me. Ok, to change the subject: politics. It amazes me how fanatical some of my friends are. And much like the xFiles, where Scully would refuse to believe in the supernatural (and this is in episode 100, AFTER she was abducted 5 times and saw flesh eating jelly attack innocent bystanders), much like Scully, most of my friends dismiss conspiracy theories with a smirk. I won't list any here, not now, but even the simple idea that there is a group of beings who are deciding the fate of our world... from wars to the international economic system. I think most events are interrelated and the media is a huge player in this game. Needless to say, I am voting for Nader. He is a hero.
8:46 PM

Thursday, October 26, 2000
Today we took a daytrip to the Berkshires and met with a client. I could have worked in the area. I could have taken a job five years ago out there. But I had just moved to Manhattan and I was afraid. Now I regret it. I think back and make the mistake of imagining my life as perfect. If only I had taken a chance and moved in the mountains. If only... I have a few strands which I follow, as far as my life goes. In one reality I am still in Romania. Happy. Or I am married. Hopefully happy. When I was about seven, after a New Year's Party, I was trying to fall asleep. I imagined Time fastforwarded ten years. And I told myself I would look back and remember that moment and so would travel in time. Make contact with myself ten years ago. It worked and it makes me a little sad. This life is supremely relative. It's been getting away from me lately.
11:10 PM

Wednesday, October 25, 2000
One of my friends was harshing on Creed because they're a Christian band. I hadn't realized they were partners with god. I love their first single. (That song always reminds me of Adam.) I see nothing wrong with their beliefs. I find Marilyn Manson much more disturbing. The same friend joked that singing about the devil is fine. Ok, he wasn't joking, but i'm pretending he was. I wonder if advertisers have figured out that unhappy, angry people tend to shop more. So the media focuses on nasty, competitive, aggressive and messed up characters. Hmmm... I can't generalize. Bob Dylan. There are no new Bob Dylans around. No Willie Nelsons.
2:54 PM

Tuesday, October 24, 2000
Patience: Guns & Roses is on. Pretty, pretty song. I have to resign myself to being a romantic. Cynical head is in the clouds. Finally am learning to discern between insanity and excitement. Bitterness and intelligence. Cruelty and honesty. And when I sit and work at my computer, I climb up on the chair like a monkey. Can't be good for my back but the 90 degree angle is too uncreative. If I don't start yoga soon I'll end up a crumbled twig of a girl.
12:22 PM

Monday, October 23, 2000
Listening to Archers of Loaf. Going back six years to Adam in Michigan. I remember periods of my life by music. I've heard smell is the strongest sense. Not for me. I've got soundtracks for relationships, romantic or platonic. Jenny: Led Zeppelin. Charleen: Depeche Mode. Mark: Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Ryan: Pixies. Jae: Rolling Stones. Chris: Elvira Madigan. Carl: Robyn Hitchcock and Mark Lanegan. April and Thomas: ongoing, whistling included.
1:51 PM

Friday, October 20, 2000
Walking to work I found another key this morning. Broken very badly. It's around the 30th key I've picked up in the past 5 years. Maybe I look down too much when I walk. If the universe is trying to tell me something, I don't know what it is. The keys don't seem to correspond to specific events. But they aren't a coincidence.
12:46 PM

Thursday, October 19, 2000
It's bizarre when companies you work for present themselves as "your family". As if this was a good thing. Almost all families I've met are dysfunctional. Boundaries don't exist, guilt abounds, drama runs rampant. Mix that with a professional environment and you're screwed. Why would anyone want a second family when they're busy sorting out their first? And then there are the obligatory "let's get this out in the open and talk about it and discuss all our tissues and walk away thinking we're mature and kind and happy" meetings. And how come half the people I know are in therapy? Yet only a couple of them seem to be making "real progress"?
12:43 PM

Wednesday, October 18, 2000
I dreamt I spilled a big glass of red wine on our couch. Mom wiped it off but in the waking world I looked the dream up. Zolar Encyclopedia describes "spilled red wine" as a DISASTER. Now the question remains what to do. Can you ever avoid badness in the future, or can you only prepare for doom and by preparing make the shock easier to bear? Besides looking both ways before I cross the street, what can I do?
12:52 PM

Monday, October 16, 2000
I'm reading a biography on Nick Drake. (Volkswagen used Pink Moon in one of their commercials.) It's poorly written but the content is interesting. In the late 60's young people would gather together in small groups and listen to records together. They would sit and listen. Of course they got high as well, which I personally wouldn't like. Yet those times sound innocent to me. Will future generations look back and think of Sex and the City or Chainsaw Massacre as innocent? I don't think so. I think we've almost reached the bottom of depravity and now the only way is up. At least I hope so.
11:45 PM

Friday, October 9, 2000
I still have the flu. Every time I get sick I think I will never get better. Every time I get better, I forget what it was like to be sick. My mom is a complex, complicated woman. Are all mothers somehow insane?
9:45 PM

Friday, October 6, 2000
I am getting over the flu. Thanks to RCN I couldn't upload anything to this site for a week. I am starting to look for a new apartment. Stress. I wouldn't mind having a perfect roommate. Have discovered Nick Drake. If this is all a virtual reality game, I need some pointers. At least my new job is wonderful. Don't know if I can ever return to the corporate world.
10:12 AM