Thursday, November 30, 2000
And I'm trying to change an old post and it's too difficult. (see November 29). Technology these days. When I was growing up I could just write a letter and not worry.
3:09 PM

This woman's work is beautiful. Some things about me will never change and that has to be ok. In college I was listening to an aria in Samson and Delilah, sung by Maria Callas. It was incredible to hear it for the first time. I had a strong image of being in the Rodin Museum and smashing all his work. I Love his work. But my impulse that night was to destroy what I loved. The beauty of her song made me want to crush all the marble thighs and noses and eyelids and hands. Do I feel destructive this morning? Perhaps I am more aware of the potential I have. This awareness implies the destruction of my past, the patterns I've been hiding under. Oh, glorious day.
3:00 PM

Thank you Shhmoo. I know exactly who you are... compassionate, poetic, generous, and I miss you. I miss You. And I will call, one of these days or perhaps today. They're a beautiful dark purple. Deep, strong, self-aware. Protected by the green stalks though. One is a little lighter in color. That's me! (: The beauty is also the fact you could be a few people in my life. Not just one. You understand, yes? (Of course there is only ONE you and only YOU thought of me and then did something about it. You've got some serious class.) Your thoughtfulness has reminded me we are meant to love everyone and every living thing. Like you wrote, "See how the flower leans instinctively toward the light See how the heart reaches out for no reason but to touch". This beauty I would not destroy.
1:37 PM

Wednesday, November 29, 2000
I'm trying to change an old post and it's too difficult. Technology these days. When I was growing up I could just write a letter and not worry.
1:48 PM

Tuesday, November 28, 2000
listening to kate bush makes me happy. i think of christiane. she understands. her mom, my dad. i've been having trouble falling asleep.
11:28 AM

"partisan political actors" disgust me. i'm glad i have no more ties to florida. it's a horrible state. power, power, power. don't these people have any humbleness and decency? idea of right and wrong? truth. how can people lie on national TV and not care?
12:02 AM

Sunday, November 26, 2000
I like FOX News the most. I've watched it all day today. It's the most balanced of the news networks. I have a bunch of little flowers next to my computer. They remind me there is a larger world beyond the computer and TV screen. A world with green mountains and fresh air.
11:08 PM

Could Britney Spears be less talented? Could she be any more embarassing to watch? She acts as well as she sings. I think she's mildly retarded. A dumb, mean person is what i'm picking up. I may have dreamt of Nick Drake last night. What I am realizing is that every year is going to be harder and harder, without dad. I miss him a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm drunk and in the morning I'll wake up and feel better. Claustrophobic. That is what grief feels like. Missing someone who has died is claustrophobic. There is no way out. There is nothing you can do except give up to the absurd reality. The sadness becomes your shadow, you have a split personality. We are all going to die. I am going to die. Which is why I love to look at flowers. I love to eat. I hope I will fall in love... once. I want a simple life filled with excitement.
1:10 AM

Friday, November 24, 2000
I was waiting for the Shuttle at Times Square when an older beggar man came with a hat and asked me for money. Living in Manhattan I've trained myself not to give money to everyone who asks but today I felt generous. He said he needed $3.50. I opened my purse and gave him a dollar. He asked me for another one. I said no. He didn't move. Said his birthday was November 23rd. I said no. He kept talking. Looking at me. Finally I moved away and thought he was such a jerk! He made me feel cheap for only giving him a dollar. Whereas had I given him nothing, he would have left me in peace. Then again, why should bums make sense when so much else doesn't?
8:07 PM

Thursday, November 23, 2000
I love to cook. I have to remember I can make thanksgiving food anytime of the year. It is macabre to celebrate a holiday which made possible the killing of thousands of American Indians. As far as giving thanks, we should do that every day. I fondly remember eating at Myrna's house years ago. Madeline invited me one year as well. I'm starting to wish I had a family of my own. Ok, happy thoughts, happy thoughts !
4:03 PM

Wednesday, November 22, 2000
Saw Turandot last night. Liu, Hei-Kyung Hong, was Amazing! This woman is incredible. Calaf the tenor, was average. And Turandot, Jane Eaglen, was horrible. Mom and I were in shock. This woman is huuuuuuuuge. I mean, Camryn Manheim times 2 and a half. Not only visually is she shocking and nothing like the delicate, beautiful icy Queen she plays, but her voice is nothing special. There were many South Park moments on the stage and that just isn't what the MET should be about. How could this woman be praised and pushed forward without any shame? Doesn't the classical music mafia have a little bit of taste?
12:14 PM

Tuesday, November 21, 2000
I just saw High Heels again. I realized Victoria Abril knows how to cry. She cries like I cry. She cries like other foreign actresses. She cries like my mom. I understand their sobs. Hollywood must prefer happy endings. Or maybe roles for women are more rare. Tom Hanks gets to play the misty eyed hero so much I can't look at him anymore. Does everyone cry the same way when they're destroyed? Laughter varies a lot.
2:11 AM

Monday, November 20, 2000
If I had to wake up early and work on a field I wouldn't have time to ponder the state of my subconscious. I could die at the ripe old age of forty and never tire of those around me. Of course I have no idea on how my life would actually be. Ozzy is on the radio and just cheered me up.
12:29 PM

Saturday, November 18, 2000
I haven't been sleeping well. Going to bed late, waking up relatively early. I was so grumpy today, I would have loved to have a huge apartment all to myself. I want a house. I try to make little homes when I knit or sow or even design. Create an environment. Yet all of these are THINGS. Maybe the hats and quilts do have an important function. They do. And why should wisemen know more than us? The main reason I believe in the benefit of yoga is that people who are long time practitioners emit a sense of calm. Some are insane lunatics. But others feel as good as an aspirin on a cloudy day.
1:17 AM

Thursday, November 16, 2000
I'm having too much trouble finding a mellow, cozy, not too loud bar for this Thursday night. Why are bars loud? Why do owners play super loud music? Most people have to scream to be heard. Does this make them more thirsty? Is it a false impression of hipness?
3:32 PM

Wednesday, November 15, 2000
Oh, the joys of manhattan. The soup clerk gave me no bread and also left a third of my cup EMPTY! I discovered this after I brought it back to work. And he was so nice and hospitable. English accent too. How can he not fill my cup? Argh.
2:38 PM

Tuesday, November 14, 2000
Happy. Hopefull. A touch of fear. Nervous. Intrigued. Sigh. -- Saw Dancer in the Dark tonight. It destroyed me a bit. It's very accurate. That was painful to see. A man was sitting nearby, doubled over during most of the movie. It was amusing. When the end credits came he and his girlfriend, I think, along with the rest of the audience were blowing their nose. As was I. Too bad when I came home mom was on a completely different level. I know I decided to live with her for a year but I fear it will be more difficult than I thought. But I'll stay optimistic. Sad movie. Can't find the beauty in it yet. It is beautiful but not comforting. Too raw right now. Good night.
2:29 PM

Monday, November 13, 2000
I am drained today. Do most people despise what's going on politically? I've heard in Europe they call it Mickey Mouse Politics. Mickey Mouse Elections. It's funny in a depressing way. Haven't figured out how to include links in these posts. Or how to make the archives look good. There's a saying in Romanian: "Tara piere si baba se piaptana". It means, the world is crumbling but the old woman is brushing her hair. What else can she do though? Surreal. Too much is surreal. It seems like we've all decided to accept insanity as the norm. Like calling the sun green and the sky puce.
1:09 PM

Sunday, November 12, 2000
I would love to have a personal secretary. And a maid. And a cook, massage therapist, personal yoga instructor (no one creepy though), a doctor in the family, a lawyer, a broker, even a brother. Having a brother would be a huge help. A cool brother of course. It's 9:30 pm on a Sunday night already. I despise the feeling of having a weekend sneak up on me. I think the full moon brought me down. Tomorrow is a year and two months...
9:30 PM

Saturday, November 11, 2000
Bought some cotton plants. Not sure what they're called. Beautiful. I want to paint them, take photos, have more. Make fabric with them. Share them with all my friends. Sometimes I feel I'm just keeping busy. No matter how amazing the things I'm working on are, after a point, there is no point.
8:52 PM

Friday, November 10, 2000
I wonder what I would be like if I had no shadows of fear around me. I wonder what my pure essence is. Actually, I know it would all be wonderful. I've been reading my astrology books, finally used the Tarot cards again, and I still struggle with the idea that our lives are governed by some cosmic equations. If my Tarot cards tell me the answers, do I know the answers deep down inside, or do they tap into an outside source? Does it really matter? I go back to American Beauty. The paperbag scene. Beauty being painfull. Beauty making your soul and stomach explode. Beauty making you want to jump like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid did. Or even Thelma and Louise. Beauty giving you faith. Beauty making you fearless.
12:37 PM

Thursday, November 09, 2000
The elections are a disgrace. The media is terrible. The unfairness of it all is mindboggling. Notice how I'm not writing which side I support. Blech. On other fronts, it's a good week. It's been a good month, knock on wood. Loved Charlie's Angels and have been inspired to start working out. Still reading the biography of Nick Drake. Started weeping on the plane, on the way back from Ohio. His voice is completely honest. I feel he has no filters. Pure beauty. It's painful.
2:51 PM

Wednesday, November 08, 2000
It always throws me off when I meet a person I dislike with every bone in my body. I think there must be something wrong with me, to have such a strong negative reaction. If I was truly balanced and happy, I wouldn't care if someone was rude to me. I would look beyond. I'm just not a good actress. If I get a bad vibe, I can't even look at the person in question. On a different note, this presidential election is nasty. If it was a person, I would definitely not like it.
12:49 PM

Thursday, November 02, 2000
Going to Ohio, making baby quilt, shopping at TJMaxx, wearing crazy Monet pants, spending time with a wonderful friend, talking to students, eating well and laughing. Laughing and vowing to take more long weekend trips.
4:45 PM