Wednesday, July 25
let it go--the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise--let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go--the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers--you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go--the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things--let all go
dear
so comes love

-- e e cummings
9:29 AM

Thursday, July 19
happy b(en)irthday!
1:19 PM

Tuesday, July 17
I've been trying to discern between moments of inspiration/precognition and wishful or negative thinking. What Iíve come up with is that certain thoughts are softer yet also more clear. There is less of an effort to think. Itís similar to turning on a light bulb.
6:08 PM

Monday, July 16
Song of Childhood by Peter Handke
from "Wings of Desire"

IN GERMAN
Als das Kind Kind war,
wuþte es nicht, daþ es Kind war,
alles war ihm beseelt,
und alle Seelen waren eins.

IN ENGLISH
When the child was a child,
it didnít know that it was a child,
everything was soulful,
and all souls were one.....
2:58 PM

Friday, July 13
prompted by a conversation monday night, i've started listening to my classical music and opera CDs. there is so much BEAUTY. it's very emotional and as in all things emotional, i eventually think of my dad. it's about time. i've isolated myself from missing him. i'm sorry i can't share a really nice bottle of wine with him. i'm sorry i can't see action movies with him. i'm sorry i can't tell him things are good. i'm sorry i can't drag him to a museum. he always had the most concise, insightful comments. my mom can speak for hours about the angle of a chin in a portrait. my dad could explain the essence of an entire exhibition in a few sentences. i miss his directness. ----- i'm going to fire island tonight. it's the first summershare weekend. i will listen to Mozart's Requiem and Schubert and Beethoven's Emperor Concerto #5 and Bob Dylan. and i'll throw in some Prince to even it all out.
4:35 PM

Wednesday, July 11
wearing heels can feel like being The Little Mermaid. i need to re-train myself to wear them, after the leg incident. it's getting to be easy. besides feeling like i'm walking on knives. it's strange which actions and thoughts and things become important.
5:48 PM

Tuesday, July 10
i love it!
-------------------
marketing: go crazy
ui/ux: do not go crazy
-------------------
- rh

i saw "broken english" last night and i did Not like it very much. i can't tell if it's because it spoke to my deepest darkest fears, or if it's just too heavy handed a portrayal of women. and men. the preview looked much better. i didn't care what happened to parker posey's character. she was so unpleasant and neurotic! the ending was horrible. if you want to see a well made movie about an insane woman with French overtones, rent Betty Blue. there is no comparison. really. ----- dinner however, was a lot of fun. it's very rare for me to find a person who truly makes me laugh. i've been fake laughing for years! it's exhausting even if i've gotten used to it and now it feels like second nature. it's similar to food - some meals are fine, some are Amazing. laughing, truly Laughing feels Great. ----- SUNSHINE looks very promising.
11:24 AM

Friday, July 6
- 1984
- betty blue
- breaking the waves
- burnt by the sun
- dancer in the dark
- double life of veronique
- in the mood for love
- let's get lost
- memento
- mother night
- paris, texas
- once
- slaughterhouse 5
- tous les matins du monde
- wings of desire
4:09 PM

www.wefeelfine.org i love this site, even if this statement may be harvested by them. it's beautiful and playful and it gives you a snapshot into people's emotions, like reading a book or watching a movie, except it's not fiction. it's real. windows into a person's heart, random sentences, it places my own moments, whether light or dark into perspective. i've been thinking of my dad lately. i'm maybe now starting to recognize the loss i will always feel. right after he died, maybe for a year or two i think i was much more aware of how temporary life is, how lucky many of us are to be alive in good conditions. and then i started forgetting and started getting caught up in desires. it should be so easy to communicate clearly and without fear, not just with others but with yourself as well. and yet at times i feel like i have a mouse maze inside my chest. and then i remind myself how lucky i am, how many opportunities nyc has to offer. getting to know new people is like entering a new world and sometimes it is lovely. i need to start working out. having a mind/body balance is crucial for me.
10:33 AM

Thursday, July 5
i had no idea i would enjoy an actual baseball game. i'm also glad i was able to experience the old, classic Yankees Stadium. thank you ben, for the july 4th afternoon, even if we lost. oh, and one of my favorite moments is when there's a "full count". (i think that's the correct term.)

happy birthday mom!
1:38 PM