Tuesday, July 31, 2001
all of a sudden i feel surrounded by wonderful energy from my friends. it's wonderful. it's simple. it's something that just happens. -- Jupiter Symphony last night was once again amazing. -- steven's in san francisco this week. i wonder if he will start drinking again. if someone told me i shouldn't eat any more chocolate, i would have a tough time stopping. however, if eating chocolate made my liver freak out and made me gain lots of weight and made me spend much money, i would have a good incentive to stop. -- going to a client meeting now. i feel very tired. worn out. worked sunday. i think that throws off my entire week. i feel i haven't slept in months.
2:25 PM

Monday, July 30, 2001
can you say googly eyes?
can you say headache?
can you say bloated tummy?
can you say hot pink fingernails?

repeat after me... i am not afraid
6:55 PM

Sunday, July 29, 2001
went to PS1 yesterday. this is how they describe themselves: "P.S.1 has been a defining force in New York's cultural life. P.S.1 combines a world-class exhibition program, a prestigious National and International Artist Studio Program, and a broad spectrum of education and public programs that serve our many audiences." sadly, with one exception, ALL the work was HORRIBLE. 4 floors of terrible, ugly, cheap waste of time. a huuuuuuge disappointment. many of my friends recommended it - i do not know why. -- otherwise, mom's been reading more Indian (Jyotish/Vedic) astrology. it is fascinating. sigh. time to start the workday, even though it's sunday. been blocked on the current project. fun, fun, fun. makes me mad. as in crazy.
12:06 PM

Friday, July 27, 2001
hedwig and the angry inch is a great great great film. I loved everything about it except his bearded lover. Not a good performance there. Thank you for dragging me to see it, stevenm.

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.

-- Song written by Stephen Trask
11:22 PM

Clarification: i have never taken ecstasy. i will never take ecstasy. -- otherwise, am realizing i appreciate and am excited the most by Friendship in a relationship. meaning, it's the mental aspect of relationships that keeps me going.
1:28 PM

Thursday, July 26, 2001
i'm watching 48 Hours on ecstasy. it's strange for me to realize i'm leaving vices behind. i haven't had a cigarette in maybe 9 months by now. i had a craving two weeks ago and now it's gone. alcohol has lost it's appeal for me. i have heartburn if i drink alcohol or coffee. i think i can have a glass or two but i don't like drinking to have fun anymore. in other words, drinking to feel comfortable in certain situations. drinking to make dull situations seem exciting. why do people get drunk? why do people get drunk over and over and over again? besides being addicted, what is it? addictions are there to fill a void? erase a memory? how fitting: today are 3 months since stevenm has had a drink. i sure hope he stays off the sauce. today is also jae's birthday. two celebrations. older is better.
10:27 PM

Tuesday, July 24, 2001
do i stay at the office and write, or do i go home and log on? i've been up for almost 24 hours. i miss my grandparents. i have to write them a letter. i didn't want to get emotional and cry while i was there. i was in shock in many ways. it was wonderful to see them and spend time with them, but i was in deep surreal, altered time-warp territory. sigh. yeah, so i didn't really cry. my grandad will understand. i wish he had his hearing aid. at 91, i can see how he'd prefer muted silence. i recognized my dad in him. -- tomorrow night the inevitable will happen. isn't everyday inevitable? (ok, it depends if you believe in fate/destiny.) what would all my relationships would be like without eMail? -- i've found extremely interesting writings on the solar and lunar eclipse before each of us was born. i hope stevenm will remain open to reading it. as well as the chinese medical info i need to gather and then share. -- s is for sad.
10:56 PM

Thursday, July 19, 2001
I'm not thinking. I'm not ... car service is here -
1:47 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2001
"Great minds have purpose. Others have wishes." - Washington Irving -

thanks Melania!

tomorrow night i leave for Dusserdorf. have to choose a pleasant book. have to pack. have to finish work at Olive. have to write/talk to stevenm. yoga seminar tonight with amazing Kate will be wonderful. hopefully it can clear up my mind. if only she was in manhattan still. eric reminded me to integrate yoga into my daily routine. start doing it at home. not to become dependent on a class. his teacher in Colorado tells his students they should do the exercises at home. i had forgotten all about that aspect. wake up and do some stretches. meditate at night. go further.
3:33 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
anyone living in manhattan i recommend this experience to: the Jupiter Symphony = the most incredible classical music conductor and group of musicians! -- this morning i'm feeling a cold's coming on. sore throat, achy eyes. paranoia i'll get my grandparents ill when i'm in germany this friday. -- had to re-schedule tea with an old friend tonight. i despise re-scheduling in manhattan. this town warps time. and to think april and i tried to convince eric he should move here. i wasn't all that serious though. i just miss peaceful energy. mellowness. there's never enough around in this town. "this town" -- that sounds too affected. like i'm writing a 50's mystery novel. -- mom found some new astrology books. man oh man. i'm slowly processing. considering the solar and lunar eclipses which happened closest to my birth, my lessons are to teach others what love is while being detached. (or so it seems after an initial reading). interestingly enough, i can teach others about love by being a miserable person and causing them to find other people who can really be loving. i don't like that path though. i have to read it all again. i wish there was a pill i could take to clear it all up. not like the Matrix though. i'm not ready to completely get behind the curtains of this illusion.
10:03 AM

Monday, July 16, 2001
Headache. deep, round headache. i think i lost one of my favorite earrings yesterday. tired. mom was rude to TobyDog late last night and this morning. if she was that mean to me when i was a baby, no wonder i have my (t)issues with her. eric's parents sound incredible. i want to ask him what his grievances are. i have a theory that no matter what, all parents make mistakes their kids will remember. -- have to appologize to C. for not calling saturday. i do have a reason. -- had one of the heavy talks with stevenm last night. (he just wrote to say he found my earring.) well, better get the day started. have to go to the bank. have to wake up. have to eat some breakfast.
10:48 AM

Sunday, July 15, 2001
what IS beauty?
2:07 PM

Friday, July 13, 2001

Fairy Tale

Many times upon a time
There was a man who loved a woman.
Many times upon a time
There was a woman who loved a man.
Many times upon a time
There was a man and there was a woman
Who did not love the ones who loved them.

Once upon a time
Perhaps only once
A man and a woman who loved each other.

- Robert Desnos
2:04 PM

Saw 12 Monkeys with mom. Good movie. Sad movie. Makes me want to rewind. Fast-forward. I think some events can be so traumatic, you never quite recover. I wonder if acts we consider small have as strong an impact only we're not aware of it. Such as a first kiss. Maybe The first kiss. Hearing news stories. Reading fairy tales. Being scolded for various reasons. Being mean to others. -- I suspect I wasn't awake before dad died. So maybe now i feel i'm in a dream state when this is "Reality". Today is one year and 10 months. I suppose it's become a countdown to my own departure. It's strange. I probably sound very morose and depressing. But besides being manic, I know I will be "ok". I am "ok". I wonder when I'll stop running. Inside, I feel like i've been running for a long time. maybe i'm simply making dramatic sounding sentences here. maybe i just need to go to sleep. i hope i dream and remember.
1:46 AM

Thursday, July 12, 2001
Pat Benetar rocks! (what else can i say?) played pool last night. first game, i sank one ball. only one. it was nice where we went - and they had Pat Benetar in the jukebox. but my performance... man. i just don't understand the angles and math behind it all. plus my shoulder started hurting a little. it's frustrating. i need to do some reading online before next time. it seems no human can help me improve. i've asked, to no avail. -- it was about time to see steven. it had been 4-5 days. days full of moodyness and inner turmoil. i know he reads this journal so whatever i write, is partly a message to him. in general though i am happy to hear of him doing his own things. meeting new people, making plans to travel, discovering himself on his own. keeping up with his no alcohol diet. considering starting an exercise regime. (gee that sounds army like - sigh. i don't mean to be a general.) i wonder how much i actually rely on other people. how open am i really? do i still have strong dial tone tendencies? i know i've mellowed out. i know i've become more comfortable expressing my emotions. even acknowledging them to begin with. -- i can get lost in phrases. i know enough therapy terms to keep myself occupied for years. -- what is it all about? the depth E. quoted yesterday. asking instead of answering? living instead of asking? man, i sure wish my dad was here. -- and what would happen if we were all completely and utterly honest with each other and ourselves? pandemonium, that's what. at least initially.
5:16 PM

Wednesday, July 11, 2001
"Life may be short, but it sure is wide!"
-- thank you Elizabeth!

Today is 3 months. it does feel like 3 weeks. or 3 years? i'm not quite sure which. and i'm not quite sure what it means. i've been so down and moody lately, i know i've taken some of it out on him and i'm not happy about that. i don't like being a little monster. we're playing pool. i hope i won't be too sore. i've turned into such a wimpy girl. i HAVE to keep the yoga classes up. must - be - strong!
2:10 PM

Tuesday, July 10, 2001
NBC has a special Sex in the Millenium show. absurd. some of these people are absurd. of course oral sex is sex. there was a couple, both 21, very religious, who were engaged to be married. their first kiss will be in church. they took a vow of abstinence until their wedding night. the idea is sweet. they were a bit wacked. they looked wacky. but i do admire them. why not? why not make your own rules? i'm so tired of Sex in the City - hearing of kids who do say No is extremely refreshing.
10:56 PM

The doorman where I work told us this morning a woman had just jumped out of her window a block away. Except the windows in her building aren't that wide. He was suspicious. Said it didn't seem like a suicide. She was in her mid 40's. I saw the yellow tape and decided to walk on a side street. She had fallen feet first and then bounced and hit her head. She missed a pedestrian by a few inches. -- I took a cab this morning. Cab driver's first day. I was his 13th passenger. I had to get out and walk a couple of blocks because the street where the woman died was closed by a police car. Except I didn't know someone had died there. Even if I had known, I would have walked an alternate route. I never like to crowd around accidents. -- Random. Or not random at all. I wonder how many people die and how many are born every day. -- And you notice how her death has become all about me... where I walked. what I did. or what the doorman thought of her death... I'll light a candle for her tonight.
1:25 PM

Sunday, July 08, 2001
walking home from work i passed a homeless man. i didn't look at him. i looked down. as i walked i heard him play Pink Floyd. i walked on, heard the music and stopped half a block away. i found a dollar bill in my purse. i went back and placed it in his plastic cup. he was doodling a black circle on the cardboard in front of him. he had a big box behind him, his living quarters. he was in his 30's i'd say. reddish hair, thin face, calm features. he thanked me. "welcome". i walked on and wished i had given him $10. or even $20. i had just spent $6.21 at Blockbuster. if i can give Blockbuster this money, why not help a man who is living on the street? i was sad as i went on. of course i thought of dad and how he gave money to homeless and street bands. "...how i wish you were here..."

"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here."
11:06 PM

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."- Mark Twain.

thanks, melania f! i'm very excited for your new dreams becoming reality. i feel like you're bringing good energy to our name. (:
1:21 PM

Saturday, July 07, 2001
I caught part of Actor's Studio with Ed Harris. At the very end the absurd host asked some famous questions started by that french guy whose name starts with a P. (i know i'm vague but i'm too tired to do a search and find out the details). anyway, one of them is "what is your favorite curse word" - Ed said "the F word" and then he said it. and the whole audience burst into laughter. i think some clapped. -- i remembered the South Park episode where the word sh_t is repeated 168 times (or close to that number) and everyone is mesmerized. south park was funny. seeing practically the same thing happen in real life is retarded. -- otherwise, i've been obsessively doing watercolors. i had some blank card stock and i've done about 9 in 2 days. stevenm got me started. he gave mom the sunflowers i first drew and now it's nice to hear his words saying i should do more paintings. it helps to have encouragement. it helps to have a non-threatening audience.
10:30 PM

Friday, July 06, 2001
I have so many phone calls to make and somehow everyday goes by without progress. I haven't talked to certain friends in days. if it was winter i'd be hibernating. are there any excuses in summertime?
2:54 PM

Thursday, July 05, 2001
my mom is 58 today. we miss dad. i am exhausted. i think it's sadness. i had two black teas, one coke and i'm still ready to fall over my keyboard. i feel removed. removed yet anxious. not a nice feeling. my mom must be sending me nervous energy. i want to be home now. i want to see her now. i'll get home by 9.30 and that's 4 hours away. i still miss her sometimes. i miss her like i was a little girl. maybe the yoga class we did yesterday was too intense. maybe we are releasing crap today and it's tiring. i don't know. i wish my eyes would stop closing.
5:23 PM

Wednesday, July 04, 2001
"Inman sat and admired his country until the bear pieces were cooked, and then he dredged them in flour and fried them up in the last lard from the twisted paper the woman had given him days before. He ate sitting at the cliff top. He had not eaten bear of such youth before, and though the meat was less black and greasy than that of older bear, it still tasted nevertheless like sin. He tried to name which of the deadly seven might apply, and when he failed he decided to append an eighth, regret." -- Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier
11:35 PM

I've been in a crafty mood since yesterday. Made 2 candles already. Don't have enough sealant to make 2 at a time. Each one takes about 4 1/2 hours. Ever since dad died I've felt like the future is blank. Anything is possible. I don't remember how I thought before. I don't know if I really did think. At least I didn't worry about being an adult. Being responsible. Having my life in my own hands. -- Mom and I are going to an Open yoga class this afternoon. It seems the times I am happiest, I forget about myself.
1:36 PM

Tuesday, July 03, 2001
"even failing has it's nobility if your goal is very high" - jens nygaard
5:58 PM

Monday, July 02, 2001
I forget how amazing Monet (1840 - 1926) is. It took me years to fall in love with him. I'd love to visit his house in the south of France. I'm curious to learn more about his personal life. Could he be one of the more sane painters? zoom in to his work and you see abstract strokes. organic pixels. when he was old (going blind as well) he said: "i have no other wish than to be closer to nature." -- tomorrow is thomas's 30th birthday. happy birthday! he is by far the most fun person to go karaoke with! utter mad abandon - the perfect uninhibitor and a great friend.
11:02 PM

They're playing Iron Maiden. I absolutely must get headphones. This is bad noise. Possibly even worse than Kiss. But not as bad as Rush. If I could have a 1 minute glimpse of my life ten years from now, would I want to see? Would you?
2:55 PM