Tuesday, May 29, 2001
I'm trying to eat dinner. First by mistake, I turn to The Day After. (i'm glad you enjoyed it, stevenm). Disgusting disfigured faces on the screen. I recover and start watching The Daily Show. How quaint that they should do a clip on mucus! How lovely that an old man should show the viewer a large jar with what seemed to be... disgusting stuff from his nose. Rude. Very very rude. Then I caught a minute on MTV and the people looked even more retarded than usual. I have been taking refuge in reading. Here's why: "The shadows in the grounds lengthened; the rumour of Carl Laurids' disappearance spread in Copenhagen; Carsten got up and walked softly around the empty rooms with his sleeves dangling unhemmed over his hands because the tailor had not had the necessary time - and Amalie sat on in the big armchair, staring into space. She sat on as the sun set, sat on right through the night, and while she was sitting there the house held it's breath, the invisible servants held their breath, the world held its breath, and we hold ours - because it is so obvious how little Carl Laurids has left her. He has run off with much more than the limousine and the bank accounts and her respectable standing as a married woman and a mother. He has taken her romantic bliss. For, when Amalie treated Carl Laurids with distracted distain; when she played with him and kept him at arm's length and kept his desire simmering, painful and uncontrollable, it was only because she was sure that she and he were floating in a bubble in eternal space. She had been so sure that there would never, ever, come a moment such as this one - when everything around her seemed to be melting away, even the house. Already, that night - with telepathic clarity - she sensed her husband's final, heartless mortgaging." -- The History of Danish Dreams - Peter Hoeg
11:37 PM
"No matter how strange it may sound, by that time Carl Laurids was a goner. Even though I harbour serious doubts about Fate, I would say that, just then, Carl Laurids' hour had come. And what lay in store for him was love. Not the contradictory, turn-of-the-century dream of languorous, ever-faithful wives and spirited but steady and strong-willed husbands; nor yet our ideal of two mature and liberated individuals striding side by side, heads held high, into the pale green future. What faced Carl Laurids Mahogni and Amalie Teander was a romantic quagmire, a steamy morass of emotions that would never become clear." -- History of Danish Dreams -- Peter Hoeg
2:09 PM
Monday, May 28, 2001
where would i go? it depends if i moved alone or not. alone, i could see myself take a year in canada. i've heard montreal is a very spiritual city. or i would move close to YS. she's a great friend and i would like to have someone to play with. alaska could be nice. a small coastal town in europe may be ok. NOT ireland. i can't live with the cold dampness. i'm not sure what i would do. how would i earn a living? i don't know. i'd love to go on a year-long retreat but too many yoga centers are more materialistic vs. spiritual. i have to take advantage of still being young. and i wonder if i will ever get the desire to have children.
2:43 PM
Sunday, May 27, 2001
i miss red meat more than i miss cigarettes. i don't miss smoking at all. this is strange. i suprise myself. what bad habits do i still have? what things will change so much in 5 years i'll look back and wonder how i could ever have been "this/that" way? 5 years... maybe only 5 months. -- i need to leave manhattan for a while.
11:13 AM
Saturday, May 26, 2001
it's cold and drizzling. perfect weather. whenever there are days like today i imagine living in a big, cozy loft overlooking manhattan. with a gorgeous kitchen and bathroom. herman miller furniture. my calvin klein sheets which are in storage and which i miss. they represent my life, my freedom. living with mom is not easy. it never was. she makes me feel Old. in a not so great way. -- this week has been stressful and amazing. i think i mentioned before, i finally met veronica, whom i've emailed for the past 3 years. we're keeping an interactive online journal and i do feel i've known her for a longer time. she seems very familiar. she listens. we both listen. no ADD there. -- tomorrow night i'll go on my very first double date with kathleeny. meaning, i'll meet d. and stevenm is providing me his company. i bet the 3 of them will talk a mile a minute. which is fine. it is strange that my closest girlfriends end up telling me they've been talking too much. i just like listening to them! and i've definitely started talking more myself. oh, before i forget. i had an image of me and vero walking in silence. we're going to be friends forever! (makes me laugh thinking of friendship bracelets in middle school). my hello kitty friend.
9:25 AM
Friday, May 25, 2001
from MTV, these are the most requested videos on Total Request Live. I'm working on a project for one of the boy bands and was forced to check out MTV.com. The mediocrity is deafening.
5 Mandy Moore - "In My Pocket" - (Epic)
4 Jessica Simpson - "Irresistable" - (Columbia)
3 Dream - "This Is Me" - (Bad Boy)
2 O-town - "All Or Nothing" - (J Records)
1 Backstreet Boys - "More Than That" - (Jive)
3:04 PM
Wednesday, May 23, 2001
----------------------------
1:11a
yellowdoll @ greydog (*spa*)
----------------------------
when you reach full peace
you will find you will no longer need a mouth
words mean nothing
and all of the breath you need will enter through your chakras...
----------------------------
- workroom
10:32 AM
Tuesday, May 22, 2001
in this month's issue of NYLON, bjork says: "In my head, as a kid I always had this romantic idea of me in a lghthouse with a pipe organ, being a composer, and kind of doing it all myself. I didn't need any outside stimulus. Also, because I enjoyed being on my own so much, I never really understood the word 'loneliness'. As far as I was concerned, I was in an orgy with the sky and the ocean, and with nature. Now it's all about thousands of people, and I'm communicating with them full-on." -- grey dog was great. shan is cool. a lot more animated than his online persona. i think the three of us have good energy. i wonder how differently i am for vero than what she imagined me to be like. i must ask her. maybe tomorrow i can have lunch with her. i'd love to see her before thursday.
10:30 PM
i am very very very very grumpy and irritable. just can't kick this mood. pms most likely. i am tired. i am antsy. i am bored. i am pulled in too many directions. looking forward to a possible new project on my own time. must send initial exploratory document tomorrow. maybe later tonight. talked to aBoy this afternoon. he's a baker and although i'm sure his adjustment has been extremely tough, he sounds really good. to know how to make perfect spinach-feta bread... i've dreamt of a more lowkey rhythm. or rather, i've dreamt of leaving computers behind. i don't know how well i would do without the web - would i miss it? really miss it? how did i fill my time "before"? -- tonight meeting shan, the 3rd writer of another online journal i've kept for a few months. going to Grey Dog. i must thank katelet for introducing me to this most amazing coffee and sandwich shop. -- something else i've been trying to do for the past week is to forego every lie - even the small white ones. this is very very TOUGH! people EXPECT white lies! we're covered in them! ok. not everyone, but most people. very frustrating. like i said, i'm grumpy and highly irritable.
7:18 PM
argh. i remember a song i thought was Crosby Stills Nash and Young. the refrain goes something like: "helplessly hoping her harlequin lover's nearby... (a lot of words i forgot) ... they are one person, they are two alone, they are three together, they are four, for, each other..." -- who is it? argh. otherwise, took it easy tonight. had headache all day. felt like i had a rain storm inside my body. watched Wonder Boys. it is a good movie. nice acting. story line wasn't perfect but it was a great rental. -- tomorrow will be a very busy day. talked to YS tonight. thought of the month/year... what would i be like as a teacher? of design / new media of course. i wonder if i will have the opportunity to find out? wouldn't that be wild? do vs. think. -- 9.15 breakfast with stevenm. i hope he had a good night. -- happy (this past sunday) birthday carl!
12:48 AM
Monday, May 21, 2001
"There are those who worship loneliness, I'm not one of them, -- In this age of fiberglass I'm searching for a gem. -- The crystal ball up on the wall hasn't shown me nothing yet, -- I've paid the price of solitude, but at last I'm out of debt." bob dylan
1:26 PM
Sunday, May 20, 2001
i have had an amazing weekend. mozart's requiem, meeting vero, ribs and karaoke. i am extremely stressed out. i had a nightmare i lost my job (it was a corporate company) - i was in a group meeting and then i came back to my desk and "they" had taken my computer away. it was terrible. today i have to work on a fast project for nsync - no comment -
10:00 AM
Friday, May 18, 2001
TobyOne woke me up at 5.45 am and i haven't been able to go back to sleep. i've always wanted to read Don Quixote. and now i can read it online! except i do like having a book in my hands - especially a book like don quixote. for all their developments, computers aren't very romantic.
8:38 AM
my first cranio sacral session was good. i felt better afterwards. more clear. my voice was stronger. of course it lasted about one hour. i wrote on the subway: "patterns. old patterns. is stevenm like mom? dad? saw the words 'I Am One'. - horses - i liked having my neck held but also disliked it. i didn't have to THINK so i liked it - felt egyptian. i saw a white flower above my chest, almost exactly like the 9 petal jasmine Grahm gave me when i left, since i said i liked the smell. i felt clearer, better, self-sufficient. first time he had his hands on my chest i felt i should cry but then felt removed. i also had the thought the body is not important. i saw NATURE scenes (desert, woods, the sea) - i felt round at one point, in my chest, at the end i felt open in the chest but at the very end i had a metal-like / 1 inch padded rectangle over my chest - in the very beginning i had a weight on my chest, at the end it was still there but deeper, more focused on my chest. i liked his hands - the energy. like stevenm somehow. i am OK without parents. I am part of everything. DON'T hide behind PAIN of the past. DON'T use the past to run away and fear. Walk strong and tall. Be clear, be honest, be myself - we all have similar in us. all are linked. the pain in my chest can be from generations of melanias and from the darkness and pain in romania. Be true to myself. Don't hide. Don't hide in stevenm. Be like the smell of jasmine. love myself. ME. find ME. who am i? ME? the essence of me as i am. be relaxed. show myself. Dad would agree - support - be proud - UNDERSTAND - for myself do this. and the world."
stevenm and i had a late dinner together. he told me there are times he's not sure what i'm thinking. he's not sure how i feel. i seem removed, detached. i paraphrase. and it fit with my session tonight. i told him about it. i hope i have not adopted my mom's emotional tissues (issues). or rather, i plan to get rid of any bad debris. somehow i have to RELEASE. i told grahm this is what i expected from our work. to Release. to Shed old skin. - grahm reminds me of adam's dad. adam. it will be great to have a doctor as a close friend. i wonder if he will prescribe cool medication if i ask him for it. nothing against the law of course. - i don't want to seem removed. once again, i defer to time = trust = love. am i the only one? - he has a past as well. argh. i repeat what i wrote above: DON'T hide behind PAIN of the past. i hope he doesn't run out of faith - steam - resolve.
12:38 AM
Thursday, May 17, 2001
I am discovering that in this business world, I need to learn how to address MONEY issues. At the office, outside the office, in general. Being kind and helpful will only get you so far. It will not pay the rent. For instance, how much money would I sell this domain name for? A million dollars tax free would be a nice sum. But I'd probably settle for less. Money. It is a strange strange force.
2:20 PM
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
I have so many things to do. IÌm excited about them all and also feel off-balance. As if being bored and unhappy is the easiest way to drag Time out and not feel like Life is slipping away. Does that make any sense? I read once the way to stay young at heart is to do a new activity every day. Time slows down if you explore new areas. I tend to agree with that as well. Time. ItÌs going to be a busy summer.
12:53 PM
Tuesday, May 15, 2001
LOVE. what is LOVE? saying "I Love You". these words have the power to heal, to kill, to work miracles or destroy nations. (yes, I turn dramatic.) love. It's round and vast. no boundaries. I LOVE my friends. I LOVE my parents and a few other family members. I LOVE tobyOne. I am growing in Love with him. (funny. If I was religious, I could be talking about Jesus.) love. it just happens?! it's not an action item. love should not be taken for granted. -- cowboy junkies on the radio provide the perfect backdrop for this entry, even with all the static this station offers. -- love.
1:21 PM
Monday, May 14, 2001
"The little prince went away to look again at the roses. `You are not at all like my rose,` he said. `As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.` And the roses were very much embarrassed. `You are beautiful, but you are empty,` he went on. `One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you - the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundred of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
5:01 PM
Sunday, May 13, 2001
I will probably stop using Blogger soon. It is too frustrating to use. Broken all the time, being fixed, no one to complain to. Even if it's a free service, if it doesn't work, why be stuck in it? (publish ^&^^%$$%%%$$# you, publish!)
8:21 PM
I dreamt I was swimming in a pool. There was a group of 5 of us, maybe I flashed back to Spain2001. We were asked to swim at night and the water was dark and had white leaves on top and I didn't like it but went in anyhow. Some waves started after a while and I got out. Then I was riding a motorcycle or maybe it was a jeep and we smashed a bunch of Pumpkins! We terrorized a little town by pulverizing it's Pumpkins. I think I was with a girlfriend. -- water means illness. not a good dream. sigh. sometimes I despise having a superstition lexicon. -- last night was great. I LOVED ryan's new work. I LOVED being out with stevenm. i realized in the cab, on the way home, how we never had a bull*&#! phase. We are beyond that scenario. he says he feels differently with me. that he does things he's never done before. -- everything feels NATURAL. as if it happened before. as if it was Here, waiting for Us. he says he's felt chased by Time. as if there isn't enough Time. well, I'd rather be happy for one year than miserable for ten. (i think) -- Time. Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) knows what it's all about. He's got the answers at this moment. I wonder if our vocabulary is "good" on the other side - the next phase - the nothingness? - the everything. -- Time. He inspires and cares enough to intervene. Too many people go about their own lives with polite distance. Even lovers. Even blood families. He is rare.
12:18 PM
Saturday, May 12, 2001
"The sight of the girl slipped around Ramses' silence and his pride, past his penchant for introspection, and broke the lock on his heart." - Peter Hoeg "The History of Danish Dreams"
3:38 PM
at the restaurant we were sitting across from each other, holding hands, playing with our hands, looking at each other and i felt it. strange emotion as if we were one - and also as if we were reflections of each other. both diaphanous. i recognized his face. his eyes. the wild hair. tomorrow night we enter society together. i'm a little nervous.
2:20 AM
Friday, May 11, 2001
i HAVE to talk to YS this weekend. it's been too long. too many things have happened. i hope she knows i think about her a lot. i've been thinking of gabi as well. i HAVE to call. and AJ. and i have to write a nice long email to Lizzy, F., and TobyGirl. oh and then there are my local friends: CW, JHK, CA, KD, katelet too. at least i have many catch up plans next week. -- i got a large Gazpacho soup for lunch. it's better than most of the ones i ate in spain2001. although it's too spicy. the red is really red and deep and almost gross. but it's good. better than anything else i could imagine eating in hot weather. i miss snow.
2:05 PM
the moon must be affecting me still. i feel quiet. strange. could be exhaustion? being sleep deprived does odd things to the mind. in yoga class tonight kate read two passages. the first at the beginning focused on meditation. how you can find your breath anytime. make it long and deep untill your breath breathes you. how yoga class and life i think, is not about the experience, it's about having a relationship with the experience. at the end of class she read about PARADOX. how people are uncomfortable with Paradox yet deep down we do understand it. the fact from the moment we're born we die. how experiencing pain releases pain. how being still makes you feel everything. -- i'm not doing the information justice here, but it was all very inspiring. i felt able>
Transfer interrupted!
and LIVE. if only i could take a yoga class everyday. especially with kate. or someone EXACTLY like her (: as it happens, she's moving to d.c. but she said she'd do 2 hour monthly seminars in nyc. -- my posture has been horrible lately. despite the yoga classes. not good. not good at all. -- tomorrow (or rather today) is the one month anniversary of our first kiss. i remember because it's the 11th. my birth happened on an 11th. so what do you get the other person for a one month kiss celebration? lip gloss?
1:02 AM
Thursday, May 10, 2001
Jobless in San Francisco looking to move: In what could become something of a reverse Gold Rush, people made jobless by the dot-com bust are mulling whether to leave San Francisco, with its sky-high rents and shriveling jobs market. "I'd do anything now. I'll bartend or make espresso, but you can't support yourself," said former Web site editor Alexander Castle, 28, who was laid off from ign.com in October and saw his job as a restaurant bartender cut not long after. When San Francisco's hip Boom Boom Room recently advertised that it was hiring for a one-night-a-week bartending gig, Castle said he was one of about a dozen applicants to turn up. "It's crazy out there. It took me a very long time to find a waitressing job," said Jen Ifer, 29, a former Web site editor who opted for a voluntary layoff when chickclick.com was making its second round of cuts in January. "There are plenty of jobs that pay $10 an hour, but $10 doesn't pay a $1,700 rent," said Ifer, who married Castle in November and mentioned that they are thinking about moving to Cincinnati before making their way to New York City. (Reuters)
2:09 PM
oh, dear lord. i just realized we have a 10 am conference call. it's currently 2.14AM! i was counting on being able to sleep until 11. i feel so exhausted. - sigh - i had a good time with "buttercup" tonight though. tired. so tired i am feeling a little cold. not good. must go brush teeth and crash. if carl will still let me stay at his place while he goes to vegas with his girlfriend, i will be revived. having a roomate does cramp my style. even when the roomie is my mom, the one person i censor myself the least with... after all, we have had 30 years together (i'm counting the tummy time) rambly. i'm in rambly mode. time to go dream. 'night
2:24 AM
Wednesday, May 09, 2001
I cannot wait to start the bodywork - cranio-sacral therapy. I need help. I need help to realize what are MY thoughts vs. ideas I've been taught to feel and fear. My mom has told me many times I'm too naive and trusting. I think I may be a bit lazy. I believe people are innocent until proven guilty. This is much easier to do than assume everyone is out to hurt you. Yet at the same time, I do have an overdeveloped imagination which doesn't always lead to happy endings. -- Time leads to Trust. Trust leads to Love. -- A girlfriend I've been emailing with for almost 3 years is coming to visit in a week. I'm so excited to meet her! Of course a tiny part of me is thinking "Oh no, what if she doesn't think I'm cool? What if we don't click in person? Will we still be able to write our online journal?" I'm sure it will be great. I feel I've known her for a much longer time. Talking on the phone has been very natural. She gives me strength. My girlfriends give me strength. It will sound cheesy, but the "womanpower" slogan does fit. -- I have a headache again. Maybe it's allergies. It could also be the fact I haven't meditated in a long long time. I wish I could just leave the office and walk down to Battery Park. Sit on a bench and look at the water until I get antsy enough to make my way back to this so called civilization.
1:54 PM
Tuesday, May 08, 2001
I wrote this April 4th, about StevenM. It's nice to go back and read the beginning. I don't think i've shared these original thoughts with him. I want to know his memory of that night. besides him saying it's when he Knew there was more to us than friendship. I paraphrase. I suppose people always "know". but for some reason things don't always turn out the way they should. or maybe they do, even when they don't. we'll never know. i feel we are surrounded by theories. everything is a theory. what are absolutes?
"Madame X -- going up to the bar. asking supercool woman bartender to give two aquatinis, cringing at the name but lovin' the taste. he's sitting behind, maybe 8 feet away on a comfy chair. you play with the $20 dollar bill. shift from one leg to another. fold the bill the other way. shift. then you turn around. he's looking at you. he has "that" look. the open, smiling, happy, "what is our future going to be" look. you smile back, sit on a chair and watch the green/blue liquid fill the glasses. like beetlejuice he said. -- and you know it can all turn to shit. and you know it may not work out. and you remember how good it felt to get rid of the last one. but right now you want to see him again. you want to share everything you find and see and hear. you revel in the space he gives you. there is no invasion of space. you want to wait until you both know you are not an illusion. you want to smash the pedestals and find you are still standing. you want to wait for this one and make sure after all the stories are told, you can make new ones together. -- i will not jump ahead. i will not wonder ahead. this is good NOW. this is good HERE. this has been many years in the making. let's not burn the cake, huh?!"
3:25 PM
funny. i really don't like it when i'm told to "relax". i don't know why. that word, that idea drives me mad. unless i'm in a yoga class. maybe because i do have a tendency to over-think. sometimes to be too serious. the truth hurts "they" say. although now that i focus, i remember my dad telling me to relax. he had a "screw it all and be happy" attitude which i found very liberating. sometimes it's difficult to include Tone online. dad. he is a permanent stamp on my heart. i just had that image. stamp as in postage stamp.
1:30 AM
went to the One Show Awards. it was inspiring because there is still enough room to do great work. either really nice sites don't bother entering themselves in, or there still is a need for good design. i tend to dislike AWARDS of any type. i don't like thinking of an award as a means of determining self-worth. i don't like the "winner/loser" scenarios. yet at the same time i do like having positive reinforcement. i do have a desire for fame and yeah, fortune. but i'd like to wrap it all up into some worthwhile cause. i want to do a project, a site with stevenm. work which can help and/or inspire others. something with a purpose. -- so i looked at our astrology compatibility report. i want to look at others to compare. many of the comments do fit. i'm curious what he will think. -- tomorrow is tuesday yet it feels like the end of the week. time sure is going by quickly. it's disconcerting and also wild. what will we do when it starts slowing down?
12:24 AM
Monday, May 07, 2001
so many of my friends are finding love. it is strange. maybe it's our age. will we ever see each other again? is this when couply events start happening? -- i'm tired. the air conditioning upstairs is broken. ideally i would be napping in a big hard bed with cripsy clean white sheets with a view of the sea and the sound of the waves. -- i'm looking up astrology charts today. fascinating information which couldn't fit just anyone.
12:23 PM
Sunday, May 06, 2001
I am having a fantastic weekend. He makes me think of knights walking thru cherry blossoms, starmen travelling through Time moulding it into a rose which he gives me while his hair falls into his eyes. -- We saw Billy Elliott last night. The actors were great. The script was Hollywood. Emotional manipulation pisses me off. I did love the characters. There's so much sadness and struggle in this world. I have to start giving back. Giving back to people other than friends and family. - sigh -
11:59 AM
Friday, May 04, 2001
I made an appointment two weeks from today for a cranioSacral massage therapy session. "CranioSacral Therapy is a gentle method of detection and correction that encourages your own natural healing mechanisms to dissipate these negative effects of stress on your central nervous system. You also benefit from better overall health and resistance to disease." I am extremely excited about it. I know it will help me. -- Otherwise, I've been terrible returning phone calls and emails. It's the heat! At least getting a short haircut helps. I love my hair short. Not sure why, but I feel there's less to get tangled up in.
3:37 PM
Thursday, May 03, 2001
does this sound like you? "inquisitive and compassionate. strong; sports and dance but injured so now has to be careful. strong: stubborn and strong like me. rock solid (the World and King of Pentacles). leg, knee stuff - injury. could be capricorn, move deliberately because of that. not tall and slender but strong. storng sense of purpose and strong sense of right/wrong. practical intelligence but doesn't fantasize like me but this mix and matches. was ignored in childhood so now needs a lot of love and affection. is brilliant, intelligent but not arrogant. in return, will accept me completely. something about music and hearing. his eyes. if we're in the same room, we will know it. like hearing god speak. there will be no games."
9:44 AM
photos from Spain came out well. looked at them with CG. there are so many, finishing was a feat. just last week we were there. TIME is a strange creature. i think 29 must be a year of change for most people. -- the roaches have started appearing in the city. from now until snow, i will be walking and yelping, jumping, running, or rather trying to outrun "them". -- for some reason i am aware of mySelf. maybe it is because he is discovering it for the first time? -- i have been slacking on calling and writing back my friends. it's taken me a while to relax into spring and nyc after the trip. i wonder if i'm forgetting how to be alone. live alone. listen to silence.
12:10 AM
