Wednesday, October 31, 2001
as a matter of fact, i am scared
6:02 PM
Tuesday, October 30, 2001
[10/2/2001 7:56:38 PM | melania ...]
unravelling the wind, i feel your ghosts in me
they're mute. they're dull. they're in your pocket
get them out, my friend. throw them away.
i want to know why you love me. why do you insist
i am different than the ones before me.
why should i believe this one time is for once
...not about You
12:21 PM
Monday, October 29, 2001
i have some time to kill. what a phrase that is... TIME TO KILL. killing time. how can you murder something that doesn't exist? something that exists on all planes at the same time, before/after/infinity/zero -- i've been waiting for a long time. waiting.
4:45 PM
Sunday, October 28, 2001
my dad used to draw little stories for me. this was about 5 years ago. i miss them. i wish i had asked him to draw on pottery. and paint. i wish he was still here. - i'm tired. i don't like sunday nights. the day before school feeling. i have to make a schedule for myself. i need to be more organized with my Time.
"As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself---so like a brother, really---I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate." - Albert Camus (1913-1960)
9:44 PM
Saturday, October 27, 2001
sometimes i get emails from people i don't know. they find my site and like it. this makes me very happy. - today i am anxious. it's tiring. it's boring. - and i'm starting to realize how difficult it was for mom not to interfere in my life as i was growing up. how do you love people while being detached at the same time? it's hard. maybe this is why i feel most comfortable in intellectual relationships. i don't want to think anymore. i'm making quiche tonight. first time. from scratch. the crust is the tricky part.
7:00 PM
i'm realizing most of my close friends are workaholics. they have the potential to be obsessive about their projects (personal and/or professional). i'm used to working like a horse if it's necessary. not only did i grow up in then communist romania, but i also was encouraged to get straight A's in subsequent schools. i've blamed this for many lessons i avoided - it's relatively easy to get good grades. it's much harder to be excited about most of your classes and take risks by exploring your own thoughts instead of trying to please the teacher. sigh. i am used to pleasing teachers. pleasing those who employ me. turning 30 is forcing me to stop being such a -- i'm not even sure what word to use. anyhow, i'd like to look into a yoga retreat. spend 3 days in complete silence. that would be a treat. speak with no one. take yoga classes. eat good fresh food. breathe AIR. listen to silence. -- i never realized i was this moody. moodymel indeed.
12:25 AM
Friday, October 26, 2001
if my parents and i weren't related, i have the feeling they wouldn't like me very much. which is disturbing and possibly WRONG. if i were a little tree frog, my main concern would be to score a juicy fly. ok. and avoiding low flying birds. -- i'm in the mood for a rich, greasy breakfast.
12:12 PM
Thursday, October 25, 2001
last night was different... good - walked tobyDog with stevenm while mom had henna in her hair. then we shared dinner at a mellow italian restaurant we hadn't tried before. our waiter, greg was very nice. he came to our table: a middle aged gay man of medium built with glasses: he said "i have to appologize - in case you're wondering what happened to my face, i just had a nip and tuck and i didn't know it would be this extreme". i hadn't noticed until he pointed it out. the light was dim. but once he said it i became vaguelly turned off from food. -- whenever we thanked him for splitting the salad in the kitchen on two plates as well as the one glass of not so great cabernet we had, he said "you're most welcome, i'm certain". some kind of strange phrase. he was sweet though. the kind of person you feel a bit sorry for and immediately wish they would win the lottery or find someone amazing to love and be loved by.
5:39 PM
Wednesday, October 24, 2001
11:10 AM
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
this is a shame which unfortunately does not surprise me: -- "The New York Post is reporting that less than 10 percent of the money raised has been distributed so far. That's 41 days after the attacks. Things are chaotic, to say the least. The Tribute to Heroes telethon that all the networks ran resulted in $150 million in pledges. Less than a quarter of that money has actually been collected, and a good portion of that money that has been collected is being paid to people working for the charities -- right now, there are 160 separate charities -- trucking costs, warehouse costs, check-writing costs, utilities, phones, on and on..."
11:42 PM
Monday, October 22, 2001
today was a day of anger and odd thoughts. walking to work i noticed how quickly people have reverted to their rudeness. at certain intersections it's dangerous to cross on a WALK signal because this is the time cars turn. i am however getting much joy by reading HOMO FABER - Max Frisch. reading in german forces me to pay attention to the imagery of the book. i notice how the writer constructed sentences. of course this is also a great book (it's no Harry Potter which is a quick and painless read) - i'm curious to see how HOMO FABER was translated. will the clean poetry carry thru? it's nice to feel smart, no matter what devices are used.
11:12 PM
Sunday, October 21, 2001
LOCATION: chelsea
OBJECT: black leather belt with a plain silver buckle
12:02 AM
Friday, October 19, 2001
he wrote a short note... "i've gone out the window" and this guy was an intellectual... he always said yes to life... today he said no. - Crimes and Misdemeanors (woody allen)
9:35 PM
Thursday, October 18, 2001
i called the little store on Orchard street where mom and i were going to show our knit hats. i called to find out the nearest subway. found out the owner's father died last night. she wasn't there. and the sadness came back. it's there. and it's OK. i don't need to be comforted. i don't need to do anything except feel and let time make me get distracted. -- i'm taking a bath tonight. it's nice to be home at 7. nice to have time. i rented Mummy Returns. watched half of it before mom took tobyDog on his walk. the little kid is extremely annoying. but i like the special effects. -- ok. some ice cream and then a bath.
9:31 PM
awesome and inspiring artist/animator: Divya Srinivasan.
11:56 AM
i had a lovely dinner with roberta. she gave me a most amazing b.day present. a beautifully crafted delicate but large iron basket FILLED with gorgeous wool! oh, the joy! a symphony of colors and soft soft touch. all made in different countries. italy, france, switzerland. she's extremely classy. now i have a great idea of what i'll help stevenm pick out for me. i loooooove wool. shopping for wool is almost as exciting as searching for sea shells on the beach. somewhat simple pleasures?
12:18 AM
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
yes, yes it does exist. a website dedicated to Menstruation. There are insane women who actually LIKE having their period. They use either feminist or religious reasons for enjoying bleeding. I think it's gross. I would give up my monthly friend in a second! (provided i didn't start growing a beard instead).
6:04 PM
i just had a late lunch. i feel exhausted. full tummy. veggieBurger with cheddar. a Nap would be pure heaven. to sleep, perchance to dream. found an old exercise i wrote in school yesterday. i wish i could do college over with what i know now. yet i'm not prepared to go to Graduate School.
3:48 PM
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
i do love the Cowboy Junkies. i wonder if i'm a cowboy junkie, whatever that means. sometimes i have trouble expressing what i'm thinking. sometimes i do like "bonking heads" instead. i had dinner with paul, originally a friend of a friend. he's a gemini but he must absolutely have some cancer or pisces in him = kindness and emotion. he mentioned a definition of LOVE from The Road Less Travelled: it's a feeling of concern and caring you have for another - expending energy towards another, while wishing the best for them. that is a third hand quote but i understand it. i like it. i think I LOVE YOU has been redefined by Hallmark, Hollywood, Highschool Proms. he said: you can't "fall in love" with someone you know really well. which is true. and which makes me laugh. love grows. love develops. love ideally should be there when you speak of it. it's gentle and it's exciting and it transcends everything else. after all, most songs are composed around love, for love, in spite of love... or we can constantly just eat chocolate. -- other notes: last night with stevenm talked of the pledge of allegiance in school and the separation of church and state. for the most part i'm remaining detached from the political situation (war). the anthrax sightings don't frighten me. i feel whatever happens will happen. of course i'd love to live in a little house (with electricity and hot water and an accessible good grocery store) surrounded by Nature. but considering i'm present in Chelsea for at least another 5 months, i will remain calm.
10:45 PM
tired
4:29 PM
Sunday, October 14, 2001
it's already 6.41pm on sunday. the weekend just started. i'm still tired. so is mom. i've heard people have been getting headaches. it must be from the dust. the smoke. it seems so silly to think back of my decision almost 7 years ago. i found a job in nyc so i stayed. -- i've been feeling anti-social as well. maybe it's winter coming on. i feel ambivalent.
6:46 PM
Saturday, October 13, 2001
before the Big Bang, what was there?
9:58 PM
Friday, October 12, 2001
yesterday was 6 months since stevenm and i kissed. we went back to El Cantinero for a quick dinner. we used to go with two mutual friends, when we were strictly platonic. it was nice to be back there under different circumstances. years ago he had thought of having dinner with me one on one but felt it would be weird. that i would think it weird since he was living with his now Ex. she would have minded as well. my feeling is that people who are honest and mature and maybe a bit brainy have no reason to isolate themselves once they have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". i suppose the person you're with can take over completely and you may find yourself not wanting to be around anyone else. i have never reached that level and don't know if i ever will. i see it as deciding to read only ONE author for the rest of your life. i would not like that at all, unless the author could write in many many many many different styles. -- otherwise, dealing with a headache AGAIN. neighbor was saying many people have been having them since the disaster.
11:07 AM
Thursday, October 11, 2001
this past monday night i had my (6th, is it?) session with grahm. here are the notes: i felt being a part of everyone. compassion. he had his hand on my tummy and i saw a baby growing and it wasn't frightening. then had an image of a stag and thought how animals - different species have gone thru horror. we are animals too and are going thru it. extinction?! (have animals wiped each other out or is it nature and man who has done permanent damage?) then i felt the intricacies of Grahm moving my head and body. felt we should look inside. we SEE everything thru TV. all we have are TV images - need to look inside. (do photos fit in this NOISE category? i think so). at the end i was cold but felt comfortable. had image of me made of snow. but then thought i'm too detached and so imagined a flame / fire going thru me and making me warm.
3:06 PM
talked to vero for about an hour. it had been a while. she gave me all around great advice. i mentioned i hadn't been downtown to see the disaster - yet -. she told me to be careful if i do go. saying i'm sensitive and maybe it's not necessary for me to be there. that area is filled with troubled energy - death - a lot to absorb. and i realized, i don't need to go. i feel it's beyond me. meaning, i am a teardrop in the ocean. if a large group were to meditate or chant some type of calming mantras, i would consider joining. otherwise, i feel torn enough. i don't NEED to invite more sadness in. it's a part of taking care of myself. learning where my boundaries are. doing what is good for me. and of course not hurting others.
1:29 AM
Tuesday, October 09, 2001
I
am
tired
5:25 PM
Friday, October 05, 2001
random acts of kindness - i've been on the receiving end a lot this year. and it feels GREAT! i've been exchanging letters and packages with a few new friends and it is very very healing. to create and give. to put together a "care package" and send it. this world is such a big big place. i know it's tiny, but it's still huge. there is a lot to see. to read. to hear. to create. -- so i've pretty much decided to make it a solitary weekend. after mom leaves for germany tomorrow, i'll hang out with tobyDog and myself. i can't remember the last time i felt lonely. i mean, we're born alone, we die alone. and you can feel deserted in a crowd. but i think it's been a year or more since i've had the "i'm all alone i need company" panic attack. i used to get those before mom moved to nyc. maybe this is why old cultures try to keep their families together: support. granted, i think most families are dysfunctional. but if you can work within them, blood relatives do have something special. some friends can give you the same feeling. "friends are the family we choose". oh, i ordered two of the books below and also 3 copies of my favorite kid's book so far. i have big present plans for the future myself.
11:40 PM
books to read recommended by christiane:
----- Der Vorleser (the Reader) by Bernhard Schlink
----- Das Versprechen (the Promise) by Friedrich Durrenmatt
----- Homo Faber by Max Frisch
6:54 PM
Thursday, October 04, 2001
9:46 PM -- still at work. good thing i cancelled my previous plans. except i cancelled so i could go home and sleep. oddly enough, i've woken up under short time deadline. blah-deh-blah. googly eyes again. light seems very very bright. last night i dreamt i was hugging a friend. a guy friend. not sure whom. but it was really nice and comforting.
9:53 PM
i am exhausted. if i don't go to sleep by 11.30 tonight i may collapse. i snuck in 9 hours last night (2am - 11am) but it didn't help. coffee seems not to help anymore either. i feel like melting butter. in a bad way.
5:01 PM
Wednesday, October 03, 2001
i just came back from Remy Zero opening up for Travis at radio city hall. i love Remy 0. steve f. did some work for them for free so they gave him 4 tickets. -- in '99 steve k. told me of Travis. "why does it always rain on me". i never bought their cd. and tonight while they were great, i wasn't into the show. i think it's tough to LOOOOOOVE a band on first listen. the people were stressing me out as well. making a long story short, i ended up having the 2 most obnoxious guys next to me. playing air guitar uncontrollably. almost invading my space. screaming loudly and raising their arms with fingers in the typical "rock on" posture. they were not cool. they were a caricature of LAME. so i moved. and i gave my 10th row and center seats to a british couple who were trying to ask the guard to let them get in beyond the halfway mark. only ticket holders could go in their respective areas. i left before the show was over. on the way to the subway i picked up a small torn photo. turns out it's a closeup of a woman inserting an empty clear bottle into her private area. she's wearing one white lace glove. you can't see anything else. i wonder how it got on the street. why would someone tear it off? what was the rest of the photo? there was no number, nothing on the back. was it some kid making sure his mom could take a look at his new girlfriend? nonetheless, it's an interesting addition to my found photos.
11:22 PM
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
fool moon makes me slow to write. tired. went to sleep at 2 am last night. read the last of the Pullman trilogy. i sense an unhappy ending. Sister Wendy is on TV again. i do like Rousseau. "In specific details Rousseau's life was a harsh one. He married twice, and both of his wives died early, as did eight of his nine children. He rarely had any money, and sometimes he had to beg for food. Curiously, he seems never to have been unhappy. So convinced was he of his great talent, so caught up in his wonderful visions, so enthralled with the life he had invented for himself--that he floated serenely through the world, much as he appears to float in the self-portrait shown here. Rousseau's death, on the other hand, was a miserable one. A cut on his leg became infected and then gangrenous. "Le Douanier" died virtually alone and was buried in a pauper's grave."
10:37 PM
Monday, October 01, 2001
i liked vegas. it was very different from what i expected. scenes on tv and photos make it look very flat. but it's large. the hotels can be cheap but it was fun to walk thru them. and exhausting. i loved the Bellagio. it's the most opulent. i could have spent two more days walking around. surprisingly, i only gambled $20 on slot machines. once we were there i didn't feel like throwing money away. -- we ate a fantastic dinner saturday night at Mon Ami Gabi. i had Dover Sole with no allergic reaction. had some of steven's filet mignon. it melted! it was as delicious as pate. or red roses. it was pure satisfaction. -- hanging out with t.t.t. and k. was great. i wish we had made it out to Hoover Dam. i guess there's a next time. -- we did catch the Star Trek Experience at the Hilton. which was cool. except we had just eaten and i did want to throw up after the turbulent 3D simulated flight thru space. -- i missed dad a lot. he would have liked vegas. -- more thoughts later.
10:31 PM
i am back from vegas. i am tired. i am ... not going to write anything now. i am too much in a mood. no need to carve it out in etherspace. i have to let the Mood run its course.
2:27 PM
