tuesday, april 30
Tomorrow I am summoned to serve as juror in New York Supreme Court at 8.30AM. I am very very scared. I hope they will sense my fear and let me go home.
4:22 PM
sunday, april 28
the fog today makes me claustrophobic. it matches the mood inside my brain. i feel balanced. nervous but balanced in my unease. last night walked into a great little discount bookshop across from Grey Dog Cafe. (i still am waiting for us to go there again, katelet). i bought The Tale of the Rose, by Saint-Exupery's widow Consuelo. i've loved The Little Prince for years and never knew the Rose was based on Saint-Ex's wife. the book is her letter to her dead husband after his plane disappeared in '44. so far it is a fantastic read. i am tempted to type the whole thing since every page is worth sharing. i am nervous about knowing too much and never being able to enjoy The Little Prince in happy ignorance. in this case curiosity wins over nostalgia.
8:12 PM
thursday, april 25
in 1896 the term "date" started as slang for prostitution
4:33 PM
tuesday, april 23
pesto pasta with mushroom, red peppers and onion. salad. fresh bread. i had a craving. i dreamt a lot last night. mom had a black metal piece as part of her backbone she was complaining it hurts. dad helped me carry some groceries up the stairs. 3 of them were missing but we found a new way, as if new stairs appeared. i spent the weekend at sarah's house with other people while she was away. crashed really. amy (of jae) painted my portrait and in my eye i could see jae moving like a 3-d sticker. she had something of marie as well. i slept late today.
10:27 PM
monday, april 22
every now and then another Melania will send me an email. these messages make me very happy. names have a lot of power. i'm still amazed how accurately names fit their owners. ----- i feel stretched out. sometimes i talk to people and we're using the same words but they have different meanings. i remember being happier before the Therapy Age. i remember talking to friends and not having to justify what we say. there was no "where did that statement come from?" we feel how we feel. we think how we think. of course i don't mean all of this. of course i'm fascinated by people's motivations. i met one of stevenm's female friends this weekend. i liked her. however she did make two strange comments and they alerted me to possible shenanigans. i'm trying to remember how i was towards my friends' girlfriends. i usually lie low. i don't have anything to prove. maybe being an only child does make me feel secure. i must have also grown these past couple of years. it's about time. ----- does everyone feel trapped within their own brain?
3:20 PM
sunday, april 21
YS is coming to visit next weekend. i am sooooooooooo excited! i have a lot of work to do before then. i need to Start.
9:50 PM
saturday, april 20
a big thunderstorm cooled the city. walking tobyDog with mom along the Hudson river was wonderful. now i'm tired-awake. it's late but i can't imagine falling asleep. oh, when we came back after our 1.5 hour walk the whole apartment stank really really really bad. it was an acrid pungent overwhelming stench which turned out to be the guava fruit mom had bought. she said they're high in one of the necessary vitamins. it wasn't even rotting. it simply stank. so she ate it. at least now it's gone. ----- earlier we saw the Gerhard Richter 40 year retrospective at the MOMA. i wish there was space for more paintings. Betty and one of the Toiletpapers were my initial favorites.
1:08 AM
friday, april 19
it's so nice when it's dark and cool and quiet. i'm considering switching my timeclock. i wonder if i could rest well enough during the day. tonight i watched The Cream Will Rise, a documentary on Sophie B. Hawkins. my mom saw it first and loved it which surprises me. mom told me she thinks Sophie is the strongest most feminine - perfect body, hair, voice woman she has seen. she's big time fuc_ed up and her mom is --my God fuc_ed up-- i was afraid to ask my mom if she identified with either one of them. maybe she reacted to the artistic power and freedom Sophie takes and gives herself. i remember playing her CD years ago and mom asking me what that crap was. she especially hated this one song where Sophie screams "do you love your mother? ... well i love mine..." things do change. ----- today i got a massage in chinatown. i was on the table thinking i could stay there for Ever. i may be happiest while getting professional kick ass massages. not the half ass candle light incense water trickling forest music kind - those suck and are usually twice as much. ----- i still need to catch up on email.
1:34 AM
wednesday, april 17
if only i had someone to make all decisions for me - and then have them be the "right" ones
3:26 PM
tuesday, april 16
too often i end up thinking about things i want to do instead of choosing one and starting. ----- i like Spike on Buffy. i think they make a much more interesting couple than her and Angel. how sad that i can write this. i should be quoting scholars not UPN. i do think it is sad how much more sexual Buffy has become. i hope i don't have kids but if i should, then i'm raising them on a commune. surely there still are healthy environments left? ----- girlChris came over last night. she and mom are similar. they got along very well. i listened. we were up very late. i have to switch my timeframe. ----- i'm craving foie gras.
9:33 PM
sunday, april 14
www.about.com has so much information: "Thirteen is significant because it shows the union of The Sun (Son) with The Zodiac.Ý This is universal:Ý Buddah and his 12 disciples, Christ and his 12 disciples, Charlemagne and his 12 peers.Ý Numerically, it is a complete union: The Finite and The Triad."
11:41 PM
thursday, april 11
feverish moon melania brisket i want you to have no fever. the roof ran up the stairs. not moodymia. i am sick again. think lanky cat. i don't like cats. strutting around my bed. jump up. acting not but still moody in your head. to hurt and run. i don't like that. apple pie. i need to take more medication. our tent on the street. no rhyming please. we're learning spanish. the street people in the east village like to talk in spanish. and drinking lots of tea. not the people. us. -- we had a lovely dinner at The Place. the best was the lavender creme brulee. -- one year today...
10:59 PM
may 1, 2002: jury duty. maybe i'll try to get chosen.
12:28 AM
tuesday, april 9
i haven't been this absent minded in a long long time. i think i've been productive but the list keeps getting longer. i have a nagging sore throat. very fine sand paper. -- mom gave tobyDog a haircut. he looks just like a puppy. it's easier and even sweet to put up with his moods. except he always was / is a puppy underneath his fur. it seems looking cute Will get you far.
11:47 PM
"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave." -- Rainer Maria Rilke
1:46 AM
monday, april 8
i'm in late nights again. this is very very bad. -- i don't remember what it was like to live alone. my last apartment had such water damage there were huge roaches roaming randomly and i did not enjoy being home. the place before was cozy but dark. then there was my first little room with nice iron windows and a big view. the noise was big as well. in college i had my own off campus 3 room apt. and my first year out of college i also had 3 rooms in michigan. but i did not appreciate the space. i did not decorate at all. i was in some other life. -- i'm afraid yawl. of what? stuff... not sure. just that feeling. i may have had too much time on my hands all these years.
1:32 AM
sunday, april 7
watching Requiem for a Dream took the breath out of me
3:23 PM
wednesday, april 3
odd: when i search for a recipe online there are user reviews below the instructions. the range of comments for the same dish spans "fantastic" to "terrible". how can the same chocolate cake be "perfect" for some while "never again" for others? are there no absolutes?
6:28 PM
tuesday, april 2
last night i watched a one hour History Channel documentary on Leni Riefenstahl. she made the most effective propaganda movies for hitler. she denies all guilt saying she was a misguided artist. i hate her. i really do. seeing her cross-eyed "poor me i was a victim" claim is more frightening than any hollywood horror movie. her work is beautiful. but she was not an innocent creator. she stayed by hitler's side when all other artists fled. she's alive at 100 years. -- i'm surprised how little tolerance i have for lies.
2:42 PM
monday, april 1
coffee in late afternoon means no sleep for a while. when do we SpringAhead?
12:35 AM
