thursday, march 28
"in the beginning was the code, and the code was hanging out with god; soon enough some came to the conclusion that the code was god. All of this happened thousands of years ago, knowledge won, then lost, then rediscovered, like an Atlantean shale erupting from the crystal-clear waters off some Caribbean island. Now archeologists deny its evidences, but a clever few come to read its inscriptions." - marc pesce "True Magic" - part of the compilation: True Names
6:33 PM
wednesday, march 27
i am not inspired to write. this is why i want to record my current thoughts. they are at a crossroads. mom and i had a loud discussion this morning. i have to take initiative. i have to find energy to Live. i feel suspended. today organized most of my things which jae and steven helped me bring home. i may just decide never to photograph another building again. i have too many photos. only portraits or events from now on. -- yesterday i had two fillings and tooth cleaning. found out last friday my dental insurance runs out this month because Olive has less than 20 employees. i wish i had known that sooner. i don't like surprises. ok. if i won the lottery, that would be nice. hmmmmmm perhaps i should say "when i winn the lottery it will be nice". i may as well be optimistic. i have to go on a yoga retreat this month of april. i have to finish online and offline portfolio. i have to go to yoga class twice a week. -- just tell me if you get bored of hearing the same thing over and over again. -- also, i have been a slack email responder this past week. --
10:54 PM
monday, march 25
quiet mood. taking offline time. ---- went with mom on errands. 4 hours later i have to accomplish something. anything. and i wonder if hollywood celebrities realize how ridiculous they are acting. do the "lucky" ones know they're living among suffering and pain? ---- tomorrow dad would have been 60.
12:36 PM
thursday, march 21
this month has gone by too quickly. rewind 20 years please.
12:06 PM
tuesday, march 19
the kind of dream where i try to scream "maaaaaaaaah-maaah" but no sound comes out
9:04 PM
by the way, it was wonderful to meet k. she is special. very intelligent but still funny and mellow fun while intense. a very nice cup of tea. favorite idea (though bleak) of sunday night: atheism, led by Stalin and Mao killed 70 million people. yet many forget this fact and instead emphasize the crusades, inquisition, witch hunts.
1:32 AM
monday, march 18
low day
12:45 PM
sunday, march 17
first time waking up i had anxiety attack. after 4 hours sleep was ok. i liked Time Machine. sad somehow. beautiful special effects. guy pearce is an excellent actor. i want to see Count of Monte Cristo badly now. see him play a bad man. -- oh, i haven't mentioned. stevenm got a very nice haircut. it changes him from dreamy-droopy poet into an alert smartalleck man. we like. -- i'm meeting k. today. a new friend-girl with whom i've been emailing for a few months. i think she can help me in my pursuit of yoga and knowledge. the people we surround ourselves with make so much difference!
11:34 AM
saturday, march 16
i slept until 11. very tired. overcast. uneasy but relaxed. we received a letter addresses to the Unit Owner of our apt. since we're renting, it can't be us. regardless, the Board of Managers (the "tenants") of the building we just moved into are being sued by the Battery Park City Authority (the "landlords") for money owed to them. the amount is $1,967,745.06, due for the period from October 1, 2001 to March 31, 2002. they mention they are aware of hardships from sept. 11 but they need the money or else they'll go out of business. i told mom we can always move to Bayridge. which would suck of course since we are just now starting to settle in. at least we don't own this unit. i think lawyers are taking over this country. am i wrong? of course i don't blame the BPCA for asking for their money. but why do we have to possibly get stuck in the middle? stop asking why. -- going to see Time Machine this afternoon. i like Guy Pearce.
2:08 PM
friday, march 15
walked tobyDog with mom for 2 hours. i love the water. i'm exhausted but content. and i'm feeling crafty again. should i start knitting a cardigan? should i make cards? i know. i'll update my jeans. have fabric and paint. maybe i'll use buttons. and cooking... i want to cook. find new recipes. cover unexplored dishes. try something new with no expectations. fly. speaking of, this is one of my favorite songs. i get into loops where i constantly hum it. almost alarming and very satisfying.
I'LL FLY AWAY
Words and Music by A. E. Brumley, 1932
Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
9:38 PM
i have been having trouble sleeping. this week i feel i've aged hundreds of years. at the same time i do feel stronger. although i believe we are all entitled to Happiness. going thru struggles to find peace and joy may be a phrase unhappy people use to make themselves feel better. what is happiness? i remember seeing a tv documentary which said a person's "happy" potential is determined in childhood. i forget if it was inborn brain chemistry or also a product of childhood. but no matter what happened in their adult lives, people had a certain potential for happiness or sadness. -- in other news, i am comfortable saying "i love you" to my friends. i've hardly ever said it to my mom. she hardly ever said it to me. romantic "i love you" continues to get stuck in my throat. i'm not entirely sure why. do i have to figure it out? i know i care deeply for people. i don't know why saying "i love you" is a magic potion. if you say it once then you can also take it away. but if it's never told, the feelings can always be there. or they can change without it becoming tragic. it's not that my dad died and now i'm scarred and afraid. i've been this way when he was in full force. maybe i've gotten so lost with relationships i've had that now i am finding my way out of the woods. can an astrological chart be this beastly accurate? i don't know what to do. i wish my echo would say something more interesting than the last word(s) to come out of my mouth. i'm tired of hearing myself think. where does that leave me?
1:20 AM
wednesday, march 13
monday i got laid off. i wish it was a clean break but it is not. i will not write about it here. i will say one word: money. even though i saw dad die wearing a t-shirt and shorts, leaving everything behind, life still is driven by money for me. for now. i sure hope this episode has a happy ending. i know Saturn return was supposed to be bad but my god, this is crazy. i'd like to take a break from life lessons please!
2:40 PM
saturday, march 9
fever is gone. just a degree over "normal". post-flu recovery begins.
11:27 PM
friday, march 8
jumping to day five: fever is down but coughing and running nose is up. the worst flu i've had in 5-10 years.
11:40 AM
wednesday, march 6
"TONIGHT ON 60 MINUTES II - TAKEN ON FAITH -- The Enron collapse surprised and shocked most of us - news about its insider dealing and sham accounting. But for thousands of elderly retirees in Arizona, what happened at Enron was no surprise because it happened to them in 1999. That's the year an investment fund called the Baptist Foundation of Arizona went under-- the biggest bankruptcy of a non-profit foundation in U.S. history. Like Enron, Baptist Foundation hid its true financial condition, it concealed losses with "off the books" companies that it created and it shared one other thing with Enron-its auditor-- Arthur Andersen." ----- greed and corruption spreads everywhere. i still have "faith" in buddhism and buddhist practitioners, though i wouldn't give them my life savings. if anything has become clear this past year, it is that people are people. no matter what color, political affiliation, age, gender... we're all equally able to be horrible. i guess we all have the potential to be great although i don't hear those stories too often. is it the media that plays up the terrible? or is there a shortage of "happy" stories to share? ----- otherwise, my fever's back. the little virii inside me must be adjusting. i have to switch medication. am starting to feel exhausted. if i had no pills to take i wonder if i'd die. without antibiotics, would most of us be on death's door once to twice a year?
8:32 PM
day three of illness: getting bored. cleaned the bathroom. now tired. must nap. try to read. turned TV off. getting antsy to get back into it.
12:46 PM
tuesday, march 5
day two of illness. christopher lowell is frightening yet sad at the same time. at least martha has style. he is tacky from head to toe.
5:46 PM
monday, march 4
checked out. high fever. sleep. tobyDog next to me. mom making soup and honey lemonade. being ill is being young. no worries except the multitude of aches.
2:20 PM
friday, march 1
coffee withdrawal headache hurts
3:52 PM
