tuesday, july 30
what to say what to say
11:37 PM

monday, july 29
it's 11 pm and the temperature outside is 90 degrees Fahrenheit. tomorrow is another hot hot day. i think tomorrow may be a double feature movie day.
11:08 PM

friday, july 26
stevenm is a 35/8: Abundance & Power.

i am 29/11: Double Creativity & Confidence.

together we are 10: The positive aspects and Issues: The 10 relationship has the closeness and intensity of siblings; it's as if the two people have known each other before; their connection can create passionate energy they can direct in both spiritual and material realms, manifesting as shared creativity and service. Negative aspects and Issues: The 10 relationship can suffer from arguments and hurt feelings due to unspoken sensitivity. Both people may feel suppressed irritation and insecurity due to competitiveness; neither wants to lose face. Stress-related addictions may result.

Key Questions: What resources do we generate together that we might not generate individually? When either of us feels hurt or passionate, do we say so? How much energy does each of us bring to the other?
10:01 PM

today is not a very good day. i will try to ignore it.
12:43 PM

thursday, july 25
this must be one of the coolest places on earth:
3:23 PM

wednesday, july 24
"Hearing is a complex miracle of mechanical, hydraulic, and electrochemical energy conversion systems that is more sophisticated than any space age electronic device or computer. Our ears monitor the world around us for sound while simultaneously maintaining our balance and informing us of our body's relative position (straight, leaning or horizontal). The neural and electrical circuits supplying this tiny but highly efficient system are extremely complex and represent the microscopic equivalent to the telephone service of a large city."
9:41 PM

tuesday, july 23
dreary heavy day - i have a plate of basil drying by my computer. i love basil. i think it should be incorporated in flower arrangements. in romania peasant women used it as perfume. basil behind the ears. the webpage-hit counter on my homepage is going out of business so i need to use a new one and i'll lose the history. i am considering doing away with it completely. except it is nice to know people "out there" are coming in "here". the web can be a very isolating medium. yet it can also make new friends. are there always two sides to the same issue/tissue?
11:55 AM

sunday, july 21
Still recovering from yesterday's blackout, I watched "single in the city", a show about women dating in NYC. My God, the debauchery... i watched about 10 "single" women focus their lives around finding a man or juggling multiple men. one was saying how she's so tired from sleeping with 4 men, she wishes she liked one of them. she didn't want to be in love, she just wanted to like one man she was having sex with. another, an english raised persian stock trader with tons of attitude and money was so annoying i wanted to first pluck her unibrow and then slap her. the men were mostly good looking and didn't say much. then there are the 4 Baraccudas. this is what they voluntarily call themselves. they are over 35 well-groomed whores. one of them was dating a multi-millionaire and they all got to stay at his mansion in the Hamptons. they went to a party where the high-light was a performance by the pathetically spent GoGos. somehow i have never met these types of women. i do not run in their circles. is this what this town is about?
11:28 PM

is everything and everyone going insane, bankrupt, and and and even prime time TV has declined. i wonder if i could support myself by baking chocolate chip cookies. it's all in the packaging.
9:25 PM

saturday, july 20
ONE: we just had a 6 hour blackout. there was an explosion at a power plant on 13th street and battery park depends on it. ConEd says it was a malfunction. it SUCKED! i had to climb 24 flights of stairs with one candle. then, NO internet, NO food, NO hot water. it's ugly man. just when i was starting to panic and considered writing letters until the sun set, the juice came back.

TWO: finished reading the correspondence between Jack Kerouac and Joyce Johnson. must find song lyrics by Natalie Merchant. the book is fascinating. i loved it. quick read but strong impact on me. i feel i've dated some men who resembled Jack in their fears (of commitment) and charming abusive rollercoaster ways. ((never again))

THREE: stevenm dragged me to the restored METROPOLIS which i had never seen. by the time the second hour was over i felt autistic. i wanted to bang my head against the walls. i was so fidgety and not in the mood and the trouble with OLD OLD movies that Everything else was based on is that having seen everyThing else, the original movie is boring. it was an educational exercise. i loved the first scene of the "can you say Bladerunner" cityscape and the scene of the Frankensteinian creation. Other thoughts: Fritz Lang must have disliked women very much. he also made the bad guys look very Jewish while the hero is Germanic. lots and lots of homoerotic moments. the lady grabbing her boob all the time threw me off. fine, it's her heart but it didn't fit for me. silent movie needs stronger expressions that's true. their EYES were amazing. i should have seen the edited version instead although i feel worthier for having stuck it out for 2 hours plus about 20 minutes.
8:38 PM

thursday, july 18
I need more space in my head.
5:29 PM

wednesday, july 17
talked with YS until 4 am. it has been a long time since we've done that. i love spending time with her. am in the mood to watercolor but i can't find my paper. am also wondering just how many close friends i have. does closeness which doesn't need to be nourished every month really count? or rather... i feel there is a danger of saying "oh, he/she is such a close friend we don't speak for months at a time and then it's as if we just saw each other." fine. but doesn't having close friends imply you interact and grow together? also, i am still ready to possibly leave nyc. if a nice opportunity came up i would take it. ideally, i would love to work for 3 months at a time in different countries. ----- what is it all for?
6:25 PM

tuesday, july 16
written senior year of college (1994) as an assignment for a class: "So what is my current opinion of myself?...I am indecisive ( my parents always made decisions for me - leaving Romania, coming to CMU, even dying my hair red was mentioned and encouraged by my mom), impatient and superstitious. I am selfish but can also give everything I have to another. I am pleased with the way I look but worry about growing old and getting frown lines, a double chin, and a sour expression. I am naive and bitter, innocent through my perversions. I have kissed 16 men. I am nice but I can hate people. I am not very compassionate. Strangers perceive me as cold and unapproachable. I like that. I have also been told by numerous people that I am very feminine and sensual. (When I was very young, people thought I was a little boy. My mom cut my hair very short and I hated to wear pants. I wanted to be a little girl and became furious when I was confused with a little boy. I wanted to wear dresses.) I am scared of dying, and of dying alone. I am an optimist but I can see myself lose my mind and end it all. I hope this will not happen. I never want to experience pain so intense that I would run away from all the books I haven't read, all the symphonies I haven't heard, all the museums I haven't visited, all the wonders of nature I haven't seen. Plus as long as my parents are alive, I cannot imagine abandoning them. I believe in God, in some higher force, but I am not religious. I will light a candle in a church but I cannot believe in Jesus or Mother Mary or Heaven and Hel-. I would like to think there is life after death. I am a romantic. I have never been in love but would like to. I love my work and have taken my successes for granted. I am not very worried about my career, although I am overwhelmed by the freedom my graduation will give me. My challenge is to find a man I can share everything with, a man I can trust. That is my goal. I do not want or even like brats, I mean children. I think I would love my kid very much, too much. The responsibility of raising it would prevent me from living my own life. I don't think bringing a life into today's world is justifiable. If I loved a man I can see myself want our children, but that would be a very selfish reason to give birth. I would prefer to own a dog. Actually, my goal is to be self-sufficient. My goal is to depend on no one else except myself. My goal is to become a woman."
3:09 PM

hello Adam
8:53 AM

monday, july 15
i feel there is not enough oxygen for me today. muggy and heavy. i am having trouble breathing. i feel like i have a big pillow on my chest. it is not good. i looked thru some pictures of me 4-5 years ago and i don't think i've aged too much. losing 5 pounds in germany helped. at 56 kg. i am 2.5 pounds away from my ideal weight.
6:00 PM

sunday, july 14
saw a double feature this afternoon: Reign of Fire followed by Minority Report. Christian Bale is a very good actor. The dragon animations were great. The movie was not good. The script was better than Star Wars but still lacking. For people who had been eating rationed tomatoes for 8 years, all the actors looked mighty fit. There were too many loopholes in the logic. I can believe dragons are taking over the world. But seeing the lead actress bat her lashes with perfect eyeliner? I don't think so. ----- The best part of Minority Report was seeing Jason Antoon in a small but important scene. We went to college together. He was much better than Tom Cruise. Overall the effects were awesome and the story was good. Unfortunately Tom makes everything look the same. Maybe it's something with the name "Tom" and hollywood. It is not a good combination. And are there any Happy futuristic movies? Why does everything in the future have to be bleak or oppressive or post.apocalyptic? Isn't there space for a nice alternative?
11:42 PM

saturday, july 13
silence
6:04 PM

thursday, july 11
Laws are like spider's webs: if some poor weak creature come up against them, it is caught; but a bigger one can break through and get away. -- Solon of Athens (640 BC - 561 BC)
8:20 PM

sunday, july 7
i use about 5 different password combinations and there are moments when i have no idea where to begin. when i come back i will go to one password one username for every single account. i have to simplify my life. today i found an additional 2 journals my granddad kept. it is odd sad strange to read a dead man's words when he used to be so much part of your life. not being there when he died makes it harder. he wrote a lot about dying. he was depressed and i did not know it. of course living with my grandmother could not have cheered him up although he loved her so very very much. i have a feeling my granddad did not know what immense Happiness can be. or rather, he found his happiness where others would run screaming. is that always the case? today i feel sad with thoughts of mortality. this month i am going away for a yoga retreat. and why ever are these darn german keyboards so screwed up? i hope my flights tomorrow will be smooth.
11:56 AM

saturday, july 6
i have less than 48 hours before i finally fly home. this has been the most awful trip i have ever taken. i am not sure how much more i can write at the moment. i need to think how i can relay the events i have observed. possibly due to stress i am losing my short term memory. i have started writing on my hands. hello Memento.
11:38 AM