friday, may 31
ahhhhh... red roses wilted already. i'm drying the petals for a b.day present. i think tonight sheryl crow played at south street seaport. we could hear the music from our apt. i used to like her but now she's bubbleGum dumb. on a nice note, Cilantro makes everything taste better.
12:27 AM

wednesday, may 29
god help me i like marc anthony's new song. watched part of Miss Universe. Russia won and she is fairy tale Beautiful. today i took my own steps towards personal improvement: i rollerbladed for one hour down west side highway. it was awesome. i have to take some water with me next time. so far i don't feel sore which means i didn't work hard enough. no pain, no gain.
11:38 PM

tuesday, may 28
i love country music. i don't know what it is makes me so happy to hear it. willie nelson has a 2 hour show on USA. Willie Nelson and Friends. i am in heaven. happened to channel surf at 12am and found it. if i ever get married i want a country music band. if willie nelson could marry me that would be the best. anyone can become an ordained minister. ----- the long stem red roses smell so nice, stevenm. thank you. i do love them even if they are a much used symbol; there's a reason for that. ----- tomorrow i have to send a lot of emails. time doesn't fly, it disappears.
1:22 AM

monday, may 27
memorial day: rented Short Cuts for mom. i don't like Altman though his movies grow on you by the time they're finished. i've decided to start rollerblading in the morning. i have to get some exercise. i feel i'm aging before my time. andie graduated from law school this weekend. congratulations pupi. today is my grandmom's birthday. happy nina. i think she's close to 90. maybe 86. having parents who live to a ripe old age doesn't insure you'll also live a long life. dad died at 57. that's almost half his parents' current age. oh, i've also started reading The Cancer Ward by Solzhenitsyn. it's an excellent book. i suspect i may have read it years and years ago except i don't remember the story. passages just seem familiar.
5:24 PM

saturday, may 25
walked to tribeca with april for a nice mellow long brunch at Juniper. then walked to chinatown to buy many many treats. shared cab home and now back to the portfolio. it's been a good saturday so far. mmmmmiau
6:32 PM

thursday, may 23
tough thing about working on my portfolio is i become a perfectionist. some of the layouts don't look that great after 5 years. internet design Has changed - progressed. then again, some projects i did years ago i still like a lot. i have to remember that people looking at my work will not know if the page they see is the latest version. they won't know if the logo is the final one. most websites change after 1-2 years anyhow. i do have a lot of files to go thru. i've given myself the end of may as a deadline. i can always go back and make additions / changes. ----- many navy ships have been passing on the Hudson. mom and i can see it all from our window. it's Fleet Week in manhattan. i do love uniforms.
3:57 PM

wednesday, may 22
my neck / back muscles hurt. a lot. taking it easy. feeling the restraint of having a body. maybe i'll slowly and gently bake a cake. substitute apple sauce for mushed pears. i lead an exciting life...
11:36 AM

monday, may 20
I'm cold. I'm grouchy. the relaxation of Cape Cod has been replaced by Reality. stevenm and i played the lottery in ProvinceTown but i assume we didn't win (did we stevon?). it's 2:13AM. do you know where your kids are? (i'm quoting a public announcement from tv). oh, oh, oh. at least i've started the HTML for my portfolio. it feels good to work on something you love. ------- main thought of the night: get a phat job so i can move into my own apartment. better yet, move to another state where i can afford to live on a normal salary. ------- so many different things are happening RIGHT NOW to so many other people. who am i?
2:15 AM

saturday, may 18
we are back from Cape Cod. only now do i realize how relaxed and wonderful our vacation was. some of the highlights: boston museum of art Impressionist exhibit, cooking fresh cod, eating duck on mother's day, laughing, meeting Oscar the yellow carpet, seeing Spiderman in an almost empty theater for $6.00 a ticket, taking photos, playing cards, driving thru a wormhole.
7:26 PM

friday, may 10
I still am surprised by the kindness of friends. Strangers being nice completely shocks me. I don't expect people to be nice. Has Manhattan finally worn me down? I'm going away for a week this Saturday. Stevenm's aunt have him the house she rents out by the beach for free. It will be my first vacation in a year. I've never been to Cape Cod and I'm excited. I will eat fish even if I break out. And I will see stars. I've wanted stars for such a long long time.
10:02 AM

wednesday, may 8
maybe Earth is our cage and we're living in a grand zoo
12:20 AM

sunday, may 5
i'm very very tired. james and i walked a lot today. mostly in central park. we passed by 3 different "celebrate our nation" type parades. watched the rollerbladers do tricks. watched amazing Thoth under the bridge. it was nice to catch up with jim. he gave me my first job in manhattan. i wonder where i'd be today if he had turned me away.
8:14 PM

i had a nice day today (yesterday). brunch with april. dinner with steven. sitting by the water at night. i plan to buy some nice fun silk material and make my own tops. the cuts seem simple enough but the prices in this town are quite complex. knock on wood, maybe this spring will be great.
1:16 AM

saturday, may 4
in the subway a soft spoken, polite boy asked everyone if they could spare some change for food. i said no. mom also declined. he reminded me of Jared Leto in Requiem for a Dream. i felt badly for turning him down. ----- i thought he looked too well put together to really need my money. ----- so what if he wants to blow it on drugs? so what if he was wearing nice enough clothes? we give so much money everyday to big corporations which feed a few select wealthy individuals. why shouldn't i help a bum instead? i hope he was conducting some experiment. maybe he's a writer working on a story about approaches to begging. 1:11 AM. make a wish
1:13 AM

thursday, may 2
the weather feels like ireland
11:15 PM

wednesday, may 1
Jury Duty Day #1

9 AM: We began by watching a half hour TV show talking about the history of the legal system. It started in 400 BC by Aristotle. They had clips from Perry Mason and said they are not accurate. They had a "pretend" trial to show us what to expect. The only white man impersonating a court officer was the stenographer. Everyone else was either female or not caucasian = instant PC. I'm still uncomfortable to serve. I feel I have no right to pass judgement on another person, especially if i have to base my decision on a fallible judicial system. There are so many of us waiting in this room. About 200 people I'd say. I feel very sorry for those waiting to go to trial.

10:30 AM: I'm losing my mind. this is like being in a doctor's waiting room for 3 days, 9AM - 5PM. Or an airport terminal. This could be hel_. The light in here hurts. chairs are comfortable but my body still aches. my back, my butt, my stomach hunger pains. I'm bringing a picnic tomorrow. it's Criminal Court after all. 50 people are chosen for each court that needs jurors. serving on a long trial must be a nightmare. i wonder if i can bring my knitting.

10:45 AM: first juror call. I'm not it. thank you God. Thank-you.

11:45 AM: second call i'm chosen. Fu_k. same building. Part 48, room 677. I'm nervous and a little curious. At least there's a change of scenery. Again, I feel sorry for the people in the trial.

12:34 PM: I'm sitting outside alone at a good yet cheap Malaysian Restaurant I know in Chinatown. we have 2 hours for lunch. Thankfully I was not one of the 20 people chosen as potential jurors. Let me back up. 50 of us filed into a smallish courtroom and a woman judge who resembles my mom informed us of the case. It's robbery. A tall black man is accused of having stolen money from a car service or maybe it was a car servicing station. The judge didn't have a microphone and her voice wasn't very loud. she seemed impatient. I wish there was a test accused criminals could take and either pass or fail. i remember seeing a show about reading the brainwaves of people. in the matter of justice i trust a machine more than a person.

2:15 PM: waiting in the hallway at least there's natural sunlight. we're such small creatures all of us people. it's pathetic. so many words still can't explain what happnes when we die. and yet people continue to ramble into cellphones. i look forward to the day when they will have proof of their causing brain and eye cancer. i don't want people to get sick. i do wish everyone would stop talking.

5:45 PM: i'm at home. i want to watch In the Mood for Love again. the beginning says: "It is a restless moment. She has kept her head lowered to give him a chance to come closer. But he could not, for lack of courage. She turns and walks away." OK. Back to jury duty. 20 more people were called from the original 60. I escaped once again. Half of the second batch had some experience with theft while oddly enough in the first group called only about 3-4 people had been victimized. obviously people tried to get out of serving on the jury. i also don't want to serve. i know if 11 of the jurors had one verdict and i didn't agree i'd go along with them. i would not argue / fight. but this would make me feel very guilty. also, i have a tough time ignoring my instincts. i do judge people based on their eyes, tone of voice, mannerisms. to suspend all instinct and think rationally is hard when someone's future is at stake. i'm afraid of making the wrong decision. the defendant looks innocent. i already think that. i'll tell the judge and hopefully won't be forced to serve. she said the trial should only last till next tuesday or wedneday. still, the thought of judging someone makes me uncomfortable. i'm in a very cynical phase. look at Enron. look at Global Crossing. i trust scientific evidence more than i trust people. this case though is based on eyewitness accounts. oh, and i forgot to mention there was an alleged firearm used to intimidate the victims. and the defendant's attorney has a stutter which makes me feel sorry for him. i wonder if he pretends to stutter to evoke sympathy. see, i really don't have much faith.
9:55 PM